Script for Airplane
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Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: You're watching Me and Amir.
Jake: You are Amir.
Amir: Not for long!
Jake: Ahh my face!


(Jake and Amir are sitting in an airplane)
Amir: Oh! Who'd you smooch on New Year's?
Jake: You hid a boxcutter in my jacket, man.

(Amir requests a flight attendant, who arrives)
Amir: Hey. Can I get a Jack and Diet? Hold the Jack, hold the Diet, and make it a kiss.
Jake: I'm so sorry.
(The flight attendant leaves)
Amir: Of the French variety. That's no tongue!
Jake: That's wrong.

(Amir is sitting up in his seat)
Amir: Special announcement! Sorry everyone. Who wants to join the mile high club?
Jake: Sit down.
Amir: Sorry sir, ladies only. Mile high club, for those of you who don't know, is when we fuck in the lavatory. Sorry, just didn't want to be too crass in case there were any young'uns on board.
Jake: That was really really crass.

(Jake is trying to open a bag of M&Ms or something)
Amir: Oh my god, lemme open it!
(Amir takes it from Jake and rips it open, sending the candy everywhere)
Amir: Wow, that was hard.

(Amir is sitting up in his seat again)
Amir: No takers for the mile high club, huh? Okay let's take her down to half a mile high club, that's where you finger me in line for the lavatory. Male or female. Any takers?

(Amir is trying to get past Jake)
Amir: Lemme just sneak over you!
Jake: I'll get up, here.
Amir: No, don't get up don't get up don't get up. Don't get up don't get up don't get up. Don't get up!
Jake: Shouldn't be this hard.

(Amir is coming back)
Amir: Note to you: first class doesn't get hijacking humor. No laughs, and a tackle attempt.

(Amir is reading Sky Mall)
Amir: This magazine is dope. Sky Mall; it's dope. Sky Mall is dope! Talk to me! I'm trying to have a conversation with you!
Jake: What? What?
Amir: I'm trying to talk to you about something. Say Sky Mall is dope! Say it's dope!
Jake: Oh my god—look at you! Why do you do this, you're cr—go a day! Go one day without breaking down and crying about something.
Amir: Will you just get me this USB cathair trimmer please? Okay, it's really cheap and it's really really—
Jake: Dope?
Amir: —really dope! Yeah, it's dope.

(Amir is sitting up in his seat again)
Amir: Alright let's bring her down to cruising altitude, that's a quarter mile high club, that means we hug in the aisle, you go in the lavatory, and I just stay on the outside in the aisle giving people the stinkeye. Huh? Let's go, guys only this round.

(Amir has a takeout box of Chinese food)
Amir: Oo. Any takers?
Jake: Oh my god! What is that?
Amir: It's shrimp and egg yolks, relax. I bought it during my last flight in 2002, froze it, and nuked it three weeks ago. I smuggled it onto the plane in my socks.
Jake: Why?
Amir: I like shrimp!

(Amir is sitting up in his seat again)
Amir: Okay great, then it looks like I'm all by my lonesome in the zero mile high club, that's where I beat off under my blanket and cry because I can't get hard.
Jake: That's not gonna work out, because wow, you're really hard right now.
Amir: Yeah, because I got excited thinking about the quarter mile high club, huh? The hugging one.

(Jake takes away Amir's laptop)
Amir: Hey!
Jake: Jesus christ, you can't watch porn up here dude.
Amir: It's not illegal!
Jake: This porn is illegal.

(Amir is missing)
Pilot (Thomas Middleditch): Will the passenger desperately banging on the cockpit door please stop? It's padlocked shut. Also, we can see that you wet your pants.

(Amir has returned)
Amir: You'll never guess where I frikking just was, man: the cockadoodle pit. They let me fly the plane.
Jake: You know, we heard them—you did wet your pants, right?

(The flight attendant is back)
Amir: Hi, can I get some cranberry and vodka? Hold the cran, hold the vod, put some ice in your asscrack and sit on my lapcrack.
(The flight attendant leaves)
Jake: Jesus christ.
Amir: She's probably going to get the ice now.


(Amir is talking to the flight attendant by an emergency door)
Amir: Sorry about all that stuff earlier, I'm kinda crazy. Woah, (opens the emergency door) oh god!

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