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Script for Angry Birds
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Opening Sequence[]

Jake: Hey, you're watching—
Amir: What? You're watching who? You're watching chicka-chicka Jake Hurwitz.

Episode[]

(Jake is sitting on a couch playing on his phone, when Amir comes in)
Amir: What are you doing?
Jake: What was I doing, or what am I doing now? Because what I was doing was kicking ass at Angry Birds, and what I'm doing now is getting ready to kick your ass, since you're frigging me up at the game.
Amir: (Reaching for Jake's phone) I own at this game, so lemme play one second—
Jake: Ahh!
Amir: One second—!
Jake: You are an anus of the highest calibre! Don't grab at my phone!
Amir: I once beat the first level in one chicken so I obviously know—
Jake: Well they're not chickens they're birds.
Amir: Yeah, well a chicken is a bird, so.
Jake: Yeah well it's not called Angry Chickens, it's called Angry Birds.
Amir: Yeah, well you have to capture eggs, and chickens lay eggs.
Jake: Well so do hens.
Amir: A hen is a chicken!
Jake: Is it? Is it really?
Amir: Yeah, it is a female chicken!
Jake: Fine, fine, I'm f**king with you. It doesn't even matter. Just shut up. Every time you talk, I'm taking away a turn. You lose a turn every time you talk.
Amir: No way.
Jake: That's one turn lost already.
Amir: No, because I never agreed—
Jake: Two! That's two! You don't have to agree. That's two turns.
Amir: Lemme start over—
Jake: Three.
Amir: —I agree to the rules.
Jake: Three.
Amir: I said I agree to the rules—
Jake: That's four.
Amir: I'm not gonna say anything when we start—
Jake: That's five. We're starting. We already started.
(Amir half snores)
Jake: Please be quiet with your breathing, you're f**king me up.
Amir: I'm not saying anything!
Jake: You're breathing really heavy!
Amir: Okay I'm nervous for you!
Jake: Just shut up! Just sit back, and don't say anything.
Amir: My cousin beat 23 levels of this game. I know how to play it—!
Jake: That is bullspit, that is bullspit.
Amir: It's not bulls—okay you just got a text message from your dad, it said "me and your mom are worried about you".
Jake: Yeah, they're probably worried that I'm not gonna be able to beat the game, but they're wrong! Cause I can play it all the time. Here fine, you wanna play?
Amir: Yeah—
Jake: WELL WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR OWN PHONE THEN.
(Amir wells up and leaves)
Jake: You will respect my authorita. Pigf**ker. (...) You pigf**ker. Eat that sh*t, you pigf**ker! You make me feel like I'm living a bird might dream, something something huh.
(Streeter opens the door, Amir behind him)
Streeter: Jake, can you just let him play, please?
Jake: He can get his own phone, Streeter.
Streeter: Can you let him play?
Jake: Streeter he can get his own phone!
Streeter: You can share!
Amir: Yeah you can share with me, you anus of the highest calendar!

Outro[]

(Amir is sitting next to Jake, using his phone, but holding it so the screen is facing away from him)
Amir: Okay get me to the game. How do you—(sneezes on the phone) how do you get to it?
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