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Script for Baby
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Opening SequenceEdit

Jake: You're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: So no "hey"?
Jake: I don't know, man.
Amir: You're a dick.

EpisodeEdit

Amir: Hey, do you have a minute?
Jake: No, Amir, I don't, because for some reason you went onto my computer last night and you deleted every single one—
Amir: I'm pregnant!
Jake: You're pregnant.
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: You're pregnant.
Amir: Shit just got real, huh? Bet you feel pretty stupid for complaining about as mundane and silly as email contacts, now.
Jake: Fine, you're pregnant, okay.
Amir: Yeah, I had my doubts.
Jake: I have my doubts, yeah.
Amir: Mhm. But I'm fairly confident that I'm now with child.
Jake: Why don't you say all the reasons you think you're pregnant and I'll say the reasons I think you're not.
Amir: Backaches.
Jake: You're a guy.
Amir: Headaches.
Jake: You're a guy.
Amir: Tender breasts.
Jake: You're a—tender breasts?
Amir: Very. (Touches his breast) Ow.
Jake: Guys can't get pregnant.
Amir: Well how do you explain my morning sickness?
Jake: What did you have for dinner last night?
Amir: 65 chicken nugget skins and an industrial sized tin of expired ketchup that Leron found from an abandoned Wendy's.
Jake: So that sounds like your problem—
Amir: Wait lemme finish! Also some expired yoghurt, expired eggs—
Jake: You keep saying expired.
Amir: —and something Leron calls Satan's Freckles, which is just stale wheat toast made moist in the middle by the tears that come out of my eyes from when he tickles me too much.
Jake: You're not pregnant. And you shouldn't cry into bread.
Amir: I took a pregnancy test and I passed.
Jake: I doubt you've passed any test ever.
(Amir holds up a pregnancy test box)
Amir: Ohhhhh!
Jake: Wow.
Amir: Plus, negative. I'm have a baby.
Jake: Did you take it out of the box?
Amir: Uh... yes, I did.
Jake: So you didn't just pee on the box.
Amir: You think I just stood in the middle of a pharmacy and peed on a box, and then they made me buy the box because they saw me peeing on it?
Jake: I didn't think that till now. Lemme see the box? (Amir throws him the box) Yeah. It's unopened, and you definitely peed on it.
(Jake tosses Amir back the box, and it hits his breast)
Amir: Ow! My tender breast!

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