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Script for Compost
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Opening SequenceEdit

Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: Be the change you want to be!
Jake: Not smart.
Amir: Okay.

EpisodeEdit

[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Jake has just finished eating a banana. Amir is holding a compost bin under his arm. As Jake goes to throw away the peel, Amir stops him.]
Amir: [speaking in a singsong tone, gesturing at the bin] Aaah! Aa-aah, in the compost bin!
Jake: Why is there a compost bin--
Amir: [singing "What's My Name", flipping open the lid of the bin] Banana! What's my name? Banana! What's my name?
Jake: Smells really, really bad.
Amir: [now singing "Oh Nana" and flipping the lid as if the bin is singing] Banana!
Jake: Could you please stop?
Amir: [still singing] When you keep shakin' that oh! Oh!
Jake: [simultaneously, reacting to the smell as Amir opens the lid] Oh! Oh!
Amir: [laughs] Mustard on the beat.
Jake: What are you doing right now?
Amir: I want to make soil. Yeah, so I throw away old food and shit in here, and then maggots and larvae get into it, right, and then they eat it, and they turn the mush into wet dirt.
Jake: Can you please close the lid? Alright? Why compost? Why now?
Amir: I have my affairs in order. I figure my life's on the right track, so why not pick up a hobby?
Jake: Yeah? You think your affairs are in order? You don't brush your teeth.
[Amir mock-cries as Jake talks.]
Jake: We were on the elevator last week and one of your-- one of your canines just fell out onto the floor. That shouldn't happen.
Amir: I flossed in the autumn!
Jake: You didn't pick it up, either. You just left it on the ground.
Amir: [grinning] For the tooth fairy!
Jake: I guess you got a veneer later?
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: Tell you what, what did you have for breakfast?
Amir: Seeds.
Jake: What's twelve minus three?
[Amir pauses, clearly taken aback. After struggling mentally for a while, he answers.]
Amir: ...Gid.
Jake: Gid?
Amir: Gid. Gid!
Jake: Gid? Gid.
Amir: Gid!
Jake: That's the final answer?
Amir: Gid!
Jake: Twelve minus three. You want to say gid?
Amir: G, I, D.
Jake: [at the same time] D. Perfect. You're wrong. Alright, so guess what? You're losing your adult teeth...
[Amir smiles quickly.]
Jake: ...you eat like, and kind of resemble, a squirrel.
[Amir is gnawing on an acorn.]
Jake: Kind of really resemble a squirrel. I mean, that's an acorn. And when I ask you a simple math question, you reply with a noise. Not a number, and not a word.
Amir: Gid is a word.
Jake: It's, of course, not a word.
Amir: Wanna bet?
Jake: Sure, yeah. Let's bet. If gid's not a word, you get rid of the compost bin.
Amir: And if it is a word, then I keep the compost, and you eat what's inside!
Jake: Sounds great.
[Jake does an internet search. Amir watches expectantly.]
Jake: [bitterly] ...Get back to work. Jackass.
Amir: Is it a word?
Jake: Yes it is. Congrats, dummy. You've accidentally stumbled upon a word.
Amir: Then you have to eat my compost.
Jake: No, I don't. I'm not gonna eat what's in that disgusting bin.
Amir: We made a bet!
Jake: Sorry about that, man. But I'll tell you what, hey, if you're upset, you can suck it!
Amir: ...What?
[Jake stands up and does the crotch chop taunt.]
Jake: Suck it.
Amir: Murph!
Jake: No, no n-n-n-no! Come on, dude! Please! I don't want to be afraid today. It's my aunt's birthday.
Murph: [appearing from under Jake's desk] What's goin' on, fellas?
Jake: [reacting prematurely] Aaah! Ow! Aa-- ah. Hey, man! [throwing up a peace sign] What's up, man?
Murph: A lot is up. Amir said you reneged on a bet.
Jake: How do you know so fast?
Murph: Because we're tight.
[Amir nods.]
Murph: What was the bet, Jake?
Jake: Honestly, it wasn't even a bet. It was just a-- we were just having a funny conversation. Alright? That was it. And if you'll leave me alone, I won't be afraid. My aunt's birthday is today, she's turning fifty-one, we have a nice little--
Murph: [yelling] What--
[Jake jumps, and shakes in fear.]
Murph: ...was the bet, Jake?
Amir: He bet me gid wasn't a word, and it is a word.
Murph: Of course gid is a word. It's a disease found in sheep.
Jake: Okay, fair enough. But he's making compost at the office. Alright? He's keeping filthy, weird, smelly soil here at work, and that's not okay, so... so I have an idea: why don't we team up? Me and you. One time. Jake and Murph. We'll make him afraid of us. [extends his hand for a shake]
Murph: Composting is an energy-efficient way to recycle and garden. It's plenty okay. What's not okay is reneging on bets. Now what were the stakes?
Jake: It was twenty dollars. Twenty-dollar iTunes gift card. And I'm gonna pony it up. I really will. And... sucks for my aunt, 'cause she's not gonna have a birthday gift, but--
Amir: Bull! He said he was gonna eat what was inside the compost!
Jake: Weak!
[Amir hands the compost bin over to Murph, who takes out a piece of moldy bread.]
Murph: [making airplane noises] Here comes the airplane! Bread Blue, Flight 69!
Amir: [laughing] Nice!
Jake: [covering his mouth] Uh, sorry, Flight Bread Blue, you do not have permission to land--
[Murph forces the bread past Jake's hand and into his mouth.]
Murph: Mmm, what's it taste like, Jake?
Jake: Limes.
Murph: Now let's get going to your aunt's shindig. I want to wish her a happy Murphday.
Jake: Murph, please don't. Please don't go. Murphy-- Brian!
Murph: [walking into the background] Where is she?!

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