Script for Compost |
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Opening Sequence[]
- Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
- Amir: Be the change you want to be!
- Jake: Not smart.
- Amir: Okay.
Episode[]
- [Jake and Amir are at their desks. Jake has just finished eating a banana. Amir is holding a compost bin under his arm. As Jake goes to throw away the peel, Amir stops him.]
- Amir: [speaking in a singsong tone, gesturing at the bin] Aaah! Aa-aah, in the compost bin!
- Jake: Why is there a compost bin--
- Amir: [singing "What's My Name", flipping open the lid of the bin] Banana! What's my name? Banana! What's my name?
- Jake: Smells really, really bad.
- Amir: [now singing "Oh Nana" and flipping the lid as if the bin is singing] Banana!
- Jake: Could you please stop?
- Amir: [still singing] When you keep shakin' that oh! Oh!
- Jake: [simultaneously, reacting to the smell as Amir opens the lid] Oh! Oh!
- Amir: [laughs] Mustard on the beat.
- Jake: What are you doing right now?
- Amir: I want to make soil. Yeah, so I throw away old food and shit in here, and then maggots and larvae get into it, right, and then they eat it, and they turn the mush into wet dirt.
- Jake: Can you please close the lid? Alright? Why compost? Why now?
- Amir: I have my affairs in order. I figure my life's on the right track, so why not pick up a hobby?
- Jake: Yeah? You think your affairs are in order? You don't brush your teeth.
- [Amir mock-cries as Jake talks.]
- Jake: We were on the elevator last week and one of your-- one of your canines just fell out onto the floor. That shouldn't happen.
- Amir: I flossed in the autumn!
- Jake: You didn't pick it up, either. You just left it on the ground.
- Amir: [grinning] For the tooth fairy!
- Jake: I guess you got a veneer later?
- Amir: Yeah.
- Jake: Tell you what, what did you have for breakfast?
- Amir: Seeds.
- Jake: What's twelve minus three?
- [Amir pauses, clearly taken aback. After struggling mentally for a while, he answers.]
- Amir: ...Gid.
- Jake: Gid?
- Amir: Gid. Gid!
- Jake: Gid? Gid.
- Amir: Gid!
- Jake: That's the final answer?
- Amir: Gid!
- Jake: Twelve minus three. You want to say gid?
- Amir: G, I, D.
- Jake: [at the same time] D. Perfect. You're wrong. Alright, so guess what? You're losing your adult teeth...
- [Amir smiles quickly.]
- Jake: ...you eat like, and kind of resemble, a squirrel.
- [Amir is gnawing on an acorn.]
- Jake: Kind of really resemble a squirrel. I mean, that's an acorn. And when I ask you a simple math question, you reply with a noise. Not a number, and not a word.
- Amir: Gid is a word.
- Jake: It's, of course, not a word.
- Amir: Wanna bet?
- Jake: Sure, yeah. Let's bet. If gid's not a word, you get rid of the compost bin.
- Amir: And if it is a word, then I keep the compost, and you eat what's inside!
- Jake: Sounds great.
- [Jake does an internet search. Amir watches expectantly.]
- Jake: [bitterly] ...Get back to work. Jackass.
- Amir: Is it a word?
- Jake: Yes it is. Congrats, dummy. You've accidentally stumbled upon a word.
- Amir: Then you have to eat my compost.
- Jake: No, I don't. I'm not gonna eat what's in that disgusting bin.
- Amir: We made a bet!
- Jake: Sorry about that, man. But I'll tell you what, hey, if you're upset, you can suck it!
- Amir: ...What?
- [Jake stands up and does the crotch chop taunt.]
- Jake: Suck it.
- Amir: Murph!
- Jake: No, no n-n-n-no! Come on, dude! Please! I don't want to be afraid today. It's my aunt's birthday.
- Murph: [appearing from under Jake's desk] What's goin' on, fellas?
- Jake: [reacting prematurely] Aaah! Ow! Aa-- ah. Hey, man! [throwing up a peace sign] What's up, man?
- Murph: A lot is up. Amir said you reneged on a bet.
- Jake: How do you know so fast?
- Murph: Because we're tight.
- [Amir nods.]
- Murph: What was the bet, Jake?
- Jake: Honestly, it wasn't even a bet. It was just a-- we were just having a funny conversation. Alright? That was it. And if you'll leave me alone, I won't be afraid. My aunt's birthday is today, she's turning fifty-one, we have a nice little--
- Murph: [yelling] What--
- [Jake jumps, and shakes in fear.]
- Murph: ...was the bet, Jake?
- Amir: He bet me gid wasn't a word, and it is a word.
- Murph: Of course gid is a word. It's a disease found in sheep.
- Jake: Okay, fair enough. But he's making compost at the office. Alright? He's keeping filthy, weird, smelly soil here at work, and that's not okay, so... so I have an idea: why don't we team up? Me and you. One time. Jake and Murph. We'll make him afraid of us. [extends his hand for a shake]
- Murph: Composting is an energy-efficient way to recycle and garden. It's plenty okay. What's not okay is reneging on bets. Now what were the stakes?
- Jake: It was twenty dollars. Twenty-dollar iTunes gift card. And I'm gonna pony it up. I really will. And... sucks for my aunt, 'cause she's not gonna have a birthday gift, but--
- Amir: Bull! He said he was gonna eat what was inside the compost!
- Jake: Weak!
- [Amir hands the compost bin over to Murph, who takes out a piece of moldy bread.]
- Murph: [making airplane noises] Here comes the airplane! Bread Blue, Flight 69!
- Amir: [laughing] Nice!
- Jake: [covering his mouth] Uh, sorry, Flight Bread Blue, you do not have permission to land--
- [Murph forces the bread past Jake's hand and into his mouth.]
- Murph: Mmm, what's it taste like, Jake?
- Jake: Limes.
- Murph: Now let's get going to your aunt's shindig. I want to wish her a happy Murphday.
- Jake: Murph, please don't. Please don't go. Murphy-- Brian!
- Murph: [walking into the background] Where is she?!