Script for Cousins
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Opening SequenceEdit

Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Great, you didn't—oh no. Is he breathing?
(Some other male character): Uhh, no.


Amir: So you know how if you throw a penny off the Empire Statement Building it can kill someone? If you throw a quarter off, can it kill 25 people?
Jake: That's not funny.
Amir: It's not supposed to be funny, okay, it's just supposed to be impressive that I did the math right.
Jake: Yeah I guess.
Amir: Oh no.
Jake: No, no, 25 is right—
Amir: No no, just that my stupid dumbass butthead cousins Linford and Leron are here!
(Linford and Leron come in and sit on Jake's desk)
Leron: What up, guys?
Jake: You guys know you can sit over there, right?
Linford: Uh, next to that guy? No thank you. He smells like fishsticks.
(Linford, Leron and Amir laugh at that)
Jake: No, you guys smell like fishsticks.
Leron: Yeah, we just ate fishsticks.
Linford: So, at least we have a reason. Ohh! Do you mind if I check my email?
Jake: Yes.
Linford: Yes you mind, but I can still do it?
Leron: Just do it already, I'm sick of hearing you two dykes argue about it!
Amir: It's fine, you can do it.
Jake: No, it's not fine. Look, what are you guys even doing here?
Linford: Uh, Amir practically begged us to come here.
Jake: What? You acted like you didn't even want them to come. Okay you know what, nevermind, everytime I catch you in a lie you can never be honest with me. And the truth is usually really really sad, so just shut up.
Leron: No you shut up! Okay? Amir is the only one who gives a crap! Alright, you go through life not knowing what you want? Well Amir's already there! He has it all! And he has it because of you! Alright? You think we smell like fishsticks? You're the one who smells like fishsticks!
Linford: So, wow.
Jake: That made no sense. And you smell like fishsticks.
Leron: True. Alright, Linny, let's go.
Linford: One second!
Jake: Wow, are you on YouPorn?!
Amir: Linford!
Linford: That's me! (Winks at the camera, with a ding)


Jake: Who the f**k are you winking at?

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