Script for Date Ideas
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Opening Sequence Edit

Amir: You're watching Jake and Amir, but I bet you're just looking at Jake.
Jake: Wow low self-esteem.
Amir: Yeah.

Episode Edit

Jake: Not another scroll, dude.
Amir: Top Ten First Date Ideas, by Jacob−
Jake: No−
Amir: Pencooper−
Jake: No−
Amir: Hurwitz.
Jake: No! Use your own name!
Amir: Number ten:
Jake: You sick fuck! Use your own name!
Amir: Where and when. Let it be her call, it is 2011 after all.
Jake: It's actually 2012, and right off the bat, first up on your top ten date ideas is sort of a copout so you don't have to choose one.
Amir: Number nine: Feeling wine. (Laughs)
Jake: Not that good of a joke.
Amir: Take her to a wine bar. And not a place that's close, go real far. And not in a plane, drive in a car. That's right: go to wine country, Napa Valley, California, together.
Jake: Great, so on your first date you want to take a cross-country drive with a stranger, and then spend several days in wine country with them? That's like a nine-day excursion, buddy! (Amir has been making funny faces, including his sunglasses trick) Stop doing that!
Amir: Number eight: Take your mother on a date. The first chick you were inside of and you didn't even call her. Now that's baller.
Jake: That's disgusting.
Amir: Lucky number sleven: Change your name to Kevin!
Jake: Weird. Not a date.
Amir: Meet her in heaven. That's right, a Romeo and Juliet group suicide so you can spend all of eternity together.
Jake: Why do you write everything on these scrolls? These ancient treasure maps you seem to have?
Amir: Six stands for chicks. That's right, it's the year 2000, so wherever she wants to go, you make it happen, cap'n.
Jake: That is the second time you've 1) gotten a year wrong and 2) avoided choosing a date spot.
Amir: High five: smoke a bowl and roll. Wake and bake and make her make you a steak! You're ingesting weed and ecstasy and guess what day it is: Xmas Eve.
Jake: Have you done that before?
Amir: Yes. Number four is a city so nice they named it Rice. Rice, Texas.
Jake: Another roadtrip?
Amir: Ya actually fly in through Dallas. It's a hub.
Jake: Fine.
Amir: Number three: will you marry me?
Jake: Too much, too fast, way too soon.
Amir: I don't need an answer tonight, but I do need a promise in writing that you'll love me forever.
Jake: That's more than an answer, that's a contract.
Amir: All marriages are arranged, if you include destiny.
Jake: I don't.
Amir: Number two: Darlin' it's always been you. Please say "I do", I have a rabbi, a priest and mosque on standby.
Jake: That last one's not a person. By the way these are all still first date suggestions, right?
Amir: Honestly, I'm just trying to get laid.
Jake: Bad way.
Amir: Number one: you are the one.
Jake: Okay.
Amir: I'm down on one knee, and this is my plea, you are the prettiest girl that I ever did see, so you ask that lady: "will you marry me?"


Amir: Well?
Jake: Well what?
Amir: Well thoughts on the list?
Jake: Why do you do this? Why do you stay up at night in your apartment making these weird lists? And you know what, even if you get some kind of perverse pleasure out of writing the lists, why bring them to work and read them to me, when I don't like it?
Amir: Great, so a simple yes or no would have sufficed.
Jake: It actually wouldn't have sufficed, because you said, "Thoughts on the list?" That's not a yes or no question.
Amir: And? What are your thoughts on the list?
Jake: It's a bad list. It's a bad list and you're a bad person.
Amir: Wow, that was... unexpected. I honestly thought you loved it.

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