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Script for Double Date (Part 1)
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Opening SequenceEdit

Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: Start over, I wasn't paying attention.
Jake: That's fine.
Amir: It's not!

EpisodeEdit

(Jake knocks, and Emily opens it wearing nothing but a towel)
Jake: Hi! Yikes.
Emily: Jake!
Jake: I'm not looking.
Emily: Let me make myself more comfortable.
(Emily takes off the towel)
Emily: Oops.
(Emily winks at Jake)
Jake: There's no need to wink, that was insanely forward.
Murph: Hurwitz, quit looking at my girl's pussy and come spot me!
Jake: I wasn't looking at her pussy, man!
Emily: You can. You should.
(Jake goes to Murph, who is working out, nude)
Jake: Hey man, am I really early?
Murph: What did you bring?
Jake: Wine.
Murph: Och is that a red?
Jake: It is, yeah.
Murph: Dude I told you we're serving branzino, that's not gonna pair well.
Jake: Sorry. You want me to run back to Trader Joe's?
(Murph laughs hysterically)
Murph: Oh my god you're serious. Amir! Start chilling some greige!
(Amir walks in carrying two wine bottles)
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: Wow.
Amir: 95 Ritratti or 92 Stirling?
Murph: Lemme score a sniff? (Sniffs each bottle) Let's go with the Ritratti. Jake what do you think?
Jake: Uh, yeah I guess—
(Murph and Amir burst into laughter)
Jake: Stop it. (To Amir) What are you even doing here?
Amir: I'm Murph's butler!
Jake: Since when?
Amir: Since I've never not been Murph's butler. My dad was his dad's butler and they had a suicide pact and at the last second my dad chickened out and frikkin moved! Yeah! Ever since then I've been paying off his life debt. Throwing this on ice.
Jake: Is this still a date? That's still happening, right? This was all supposed to be a double date.
Murph: Yes, her name's Neko and she's got swag for days bro.
Emily: She's so funny. (Whispering) She's Asian!
Jake: Put clothes on! Why are both of you still naked?
Murph: Relax, alright? I can shit shower and shave in thirty seconds flat. I'll be back here in a tucked in express button up before you even know what's up. (Doorbell rings) Neko the devil! God hates swag and she's here to meet her maker!
Jake: What?
Murph: Get the door, dumbass.
Jake: How do I look?
Emily: Really handsome. I would eat your asshole.
Jake: All I heard was handsome, okay?
(Jake opens the door for Neko)
Jake: Hey! You must be Neko. I'm Jake. Um... I just met you, (holds up a can of gravy) and this is gravy!
(Neko ignores him)
Jake: (Partially subvocalizing) Fuck! What are you doing?!
(Neko sits on a couch next to Emily)
Emily: Oh my god, you are so Asian. Okay, be honest. Are these real? (Emily feels Neko's tits) Oh my god, you're a fucking liar if you say they're real. I feel like I'm in the fucking Silicon Valley, you fucking bitch. I love your tits.
Jake: (Still talking to himself by the door) You went to a bodega and got gravy, for this. You're the weakest link.
Emily: They're the same fucking size, are you fucking kidding me? These are fucking fake tits! These are the fakest tits I've ever felt! God, they feel good. I'm gonna make Murph buy me these.
(Jake is back in the room where Murph was working out, and Murph runs in half-dressed with blood on his hand)
Murph: Time! Time! What's my time?
Jake: Yeah man it was really quick, but you obviously didn't finish showering. Can't imagine you shit.
Murph: I shit in the shower and I tried to smoosh it down the drain. Got everywhere.
Jake: You call this getting ready?
Murph: As ready as I'll ever be.
(Murph holds up a wedding ring)
Jake: Holy shit dude, you're proposing! This is insane! Wash your hand! When are you gonna do it?!
Murph: Tonight!
Jake: After we leave?
Murph: During you're here!
Jake: What?
Murph: I mean I want it to be intimate, so I figure, what's more intimate than a double date?
Jake: Single date.
Murph: Hah. How about this, if you try to leave, I'll kick you in the back!
Jake: Easy does it. Easy does it.
Amir: (Carrying a tray of sliders) Alright, appetizer time! We're talking pulled pork sliders with a honey dijon glaze.
Jake: Red wine coulda worked with that, right?
Murph: Yo, you ever taken a picture of your dick next to a slider and told the girl it was a full on burger?
Amir: Yeah.
Emily: Yes.
Jake: What?
Murph: (Handing Jake his phone) Check it.
Jake: Yikes man, a lot smaller than the slider.
Murph: Hah, it's like a... pff... wrong picture so it's like that's a triple quarter pounder or er... I'm gonna kick you in the back!

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