Script for Eighty Cents
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Opening SequenceEdit

Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake—
Amir: Outtakes!
Jake: Yep, that just turned into an outtake.


(Jake, Dan, Sarah and Vinny are sitting together)
Dan: I'm gonna go trick-or-treating early this year.
Vinny: Oh yeah?
Jake: How early?
Dan: Like, two weeks.
Jake: Wow, that's really...
Sarah: No one's gonna have candy or anything.
Dan: I'm just gonna show up with a gun and blackface.
(Amir comes in)
Amir: Hey guys. Sorry to interrupt. Uh, I bought a bag of cookies from the vending machine but it gave me an extra one. Do you guys want these cookies at all?
jake: Yeah. Of course!
Dan: Yeah.
Sarah: Obviously.
Vinny: Yeah. Of course! I love cookies.
(Amir gives them the cookies; they start eating them and ignoring him while he tries to get them to pay him)
Amir: It's like, uh... It's like eighty cents, it's so stupid. It was like eighty—eighty cents, so whenever you guys... And you guys are four people, so it'd be like, 20 cents or something. Twenty cents a pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Twenty! Twenty! Twenty! Twenty! There's no time limit. Ah that's funny! Throw a dime—throw two dimes into my mouth, each. Throw two dimes, go uh! uh! GUYS GIVE ME TWENTY CENTS A PIECE AND I'll BUTTFUCK YOU!
(They fall silent)
Jake: And you will—?
Amir: Or.
Jake: And you will—?
Amir: Or I will. Or I'll b—
Jake: You said "and".
Amir: I know, I said "and", but I meant—
Jake: I don't have any change on me.
Amir: Hey! (Half-jokingly accosts Vinny) Gimme your wallet, fool!
Jake: We'll pay you later!
Amir: I know!
Jake: We'll pay you later!
Amir: Exactly!
Jake: So don't freak out, we'll pay you later.
Amir: I'm not freaking out, it's not even a big deal. It's less than a dollar. Twenty cents a pop! Twenty cents a pop!
Jake: No. I have, like, a twenty dollar bill right now and that's it, so I can't give you twenty cents.
Amir: Oh no! A twenty dollar bill? That's less than twenty cents! OH WAIT NO IT'S NOT!
Sarah: We'll get it to you later, okay?
Amir: I know, exactly, you'll get it to me later! You'll get it to me later! I'm already gone.
Jake: Peace.
Amir: Peace I'm out, peace I'm out, peace peace peace peace peace I'm out. Huh? Er... (Leaves)
Vinny: That was, uh... really weird.
Jake: Yeah.
Sarah: Yeah.
Dan: You guys noticed he's weirder—
(Amir comes back in with his shirt tied around his lower face and his fingers shaped like a pretend gun)
Amir: Alright everybody freeze, this is a holdup! I don't want your money, I just want your change! Eighty cents specifically! (Takes off the shirt) I'm just kidding you guys, it's me. And for this free show, a fare of twenty cents a head. Twenty, forty, the one after that, and finally landing on the eighty cents.
Dan: I have a dollar. So let's just not do this anymore.
Vinny: No, you should not...
Amir: Thank you very much, [indiscernible] Martin Luther King Jr.—
Jake: He doesn't have—you don't have to give him a dollar. You don't need a dollar. You payed for one bag, right? Two came out, you ate one, you gave us one. Why do you need a dollar? This is—it's twenty cents more than you paid.
Amir: You know what? You're right. Okay, I only need eighty cents, and this a dollar, so here we go. (Tears a fifth of the bill off and gives it to Dan) Thank you, keep the change.
(Pat comes in)
Pat: Hey guys, um, sorry to interrupt. Has anyone seen a bag of cookies? By any chance?
Amir: Uh, no, not here, dude. Sorry about that Pat.
Pat: No? Are you sure?
Dan: Of course.
Pat: Oh, totally separate incident: I'm missing eighty cents.

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