Script for Facebook Redesign
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Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: You're watching Jake and Amir—and now you're not.
Jake: They still are.
Amir: Fudge.


Amir: Oh my... Oh my god! No! No! It was perfect!
Jake: What?
Amir: Ya gotta be kidding me with this! It was perfect! Unhh!
Jake: What are you talking about?
Amir: Facebook just jumped the shark. Okay, they had a perfect game going and they overdid it! Okay, trust me, I follow a lot of design Tumblrs, so I know when I see things that are overdone, and they overdid it.
Jake: What's wrong with it?
Amir: It's different. Which means it's bad. Which means I'm pissed. Okay, the big three.
Jake: Those all sound like one thing.
Amir: No, I've kept quiet till now, but I'm gonna make a Facebook group about it.
Jake: You didn't keep quiet at all! You found out about it 10 seconds ago and you were yelling about it ever since. And looking at your Facebook profile, it looks like, wow, yeah, you've protested every single Facebook redesign!
Amir: I deleted those groups!
Jake: First of all, you didn't. Second of all, that doesn't change my point. Look at this first group, okay? Four years ago: "Ten thousand strong against the Facebook newsfeed—"
Amir: Newsfeed, yeah.
Jake: "Facebook was flawless and now it's garbage. They had a perfect game going."
Amir: It was garbage. Yeah, they jumped the shark.
Jake: Fine. Six months later you wrote, "Holy carp, [sic] why change perfection? Facebook is without flaw, but new design change makes it official: they just jumped the shark. A hundred thousand strong against this Obamanation."
Amir: Yeah, that group was partly political.
Jake: Right.
Amir: And guess what? It filled up.
Jake: No it didn't. No members—you're not even a member! Jesus Christ! Next one: "Delete the Facebook Graffiti Wall. It's a joke and a fool." Two weeks later: "One million strong to bring back Graffiti Wall. I know I abused it, but I miss it."
Amir: Straight up, they jumped the carp, when they lost the Graffiti Wall. Like...
Jake: Lemme ask you a question: do you notice a pattern?
Amir: (In a whiny and very high-pitched voice) Yeah, Facebook jumps the frickin' shark, okay? Every time they have a perfect game going and they fricking sell out! They jump the carp!
Jake: Oh my god, your voice is painful! Look, here's another thing man: every single week you try to start a national Deactivate Facebook Day. Like, here's one that says "Zark Fuckerberg is gonna start charging for Facebook. Please read now and delete your account."
Amir: He started. He started charging, seven bucks a pop.
Jake: No he didn't!
Amir: He didn't, because enough people joined the group!
Jake: You just lied, then, cause you said he did start charging.
Amir: Oh my god, the facts are in on Twitter: Facebook was perfect but they just made it Myspace! NO!
Jake: You know you said that two years ago: "Ten million strong against the new Facebook, cause they just made it Myspace."
Amir: (Crying) Yeah, cause it sucked!
Jake: Oh my god, stop crying! You just said it was perfect. The same version you hated two years ago, you just called it perfect.
Amir: Garbage becomes perfect over time as you get used to the garbage and forget what made it so bad. Like, you don't get the Internet and commenting in general, so it's not even worth saying—
Jake: By the way, have you been to Myspace recently? It's just a music video website. There's no profiles or anything.
Amir: Yeah, you know why?
Jake: Cause they jumped the shark—
Amir: Cause they jumped the car—the, yeah—the shark, exactly right.

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