Script for Fish Scroll
Main ArticleReferences/TriviaAppearancesGallery of Images

Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and something smells fishy!
Jake: It's you.
Amir: Ha ha, yeah.


[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir holds up a scroll.]
Jake: No. No.
[Jake begins throwing things from his desk at Amir. Amir uses the scroll to deflect them as he unrolls it.]
Jake: Hey. Hey. No. Stop it.
Amir: [deflecting a pad of Post-it notes] "Top Ten Fish to Fry", by Rodrigo O! [enunciating "O" as a strange moan]
Jake: Was that noise your new last name?
Amir: Yes.
Jake: Why, oh why are interested in frying fish?
Amir: "Number ten: Could I borrow a pen?" [deflecting a pen] "So I could write down the name of this fish, ya bish! Makes girls sad, squirrels mad, and men grin! Look no further than the almighty... penguin."
Jake: Not a fish.
Amir: Not a bird!
Jake: You think anything that's not a bird is a fish? [Amir nods.] And yes, it is. It's a flightless bird.
Amir: That's a fightless turd.
[Jake is speechless.]
Amir: "Number nine: a sashimi is fine. You don't have to fry your really old dish. Just go to McDonald's and get a Filet-O-Fish.
Jake: So what are you saying? The number nine fish to fry is a...?
Amir: It's a sashimi.
Jake: So not frying a fish, but then getting a fried fish--
Amir: Um, yeah, a Filet-O-Fish.
Jake: --at McDonald's.
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Amir: "Number eight: Fill your plate. When this fat fish died, we ate catfish, fried! But don't let this mustachian fool you. This fish is all woman... and a crustacean drool cube."
Jake: ...How are you getting dumber?
Amir: Excuse?
Jake: Stop saying that. I've asked you.
Amir: ...Fair. "Number seven: A Bacon named Kevin. That's right, this Footloose star has gone too far! I say we dip him in oil, and serve him to a horde of angry fans."
Jake: That's cannibalism!
Amir: Excuse?
Jake: You know what? Forget it. What has Kevin Bacon done that's gone too far? ...Please just done your work.
Amir: "Done your work"!
Jake: "Do your work," I said.
Amir: [doing a Southern accent] "Done your work!"
Jake: Done your work. Do your work.
Amir: [still doing an accent] "Hey, you over there! Let's all done our work--"
Jake: Okay, I misspoke. You just said "crustacean drool cube", on purpose.
[Amir quietly turns his attention to the scroll.]
Jake: Back to the list.
Amir: "Number six: Put your halibut on sticks. No need to fry it; that's bad for your diet. Not to mention it'll clog your arteries, and make you smell like a fartery. Pee-yew." [pause, then, pronouncing "PU"] "Poo."
Jake: "Pee-yew, poo".
[Amir chuckles.]
Jake: So twice on this list of top ten fish to fry, you've suggested not frying the fish. Once, you suggested we fry and eat Kevin Bacon--
Amir: [simultaneously] Kevin Bacon.
Jake: I mean, what is wrong with you? [Amir doesn't respond.] This is so bizarre. Why is this our interaction? It's come to this.
Amir: "Number--"
Jake: You've run out of ideas, haven't you.
Amir: "Number five..."
Jake: You really have.
Amir: "Number five". "Number five is Ryan Gosling, starred in Drive--"
Jake: So you want to fry and eat him as well.
Amir: [holding out his hand to interrupt Jake] Jumping to conclusions. "What was his favorite fried fish, at the craft services table?"
Jake: ...I don't know!
Amir: Do you not? ...Neither do I. I was hoping you'd, uh... [making a hopping motion with his hand] ...jump in right there with that.
Jake: Are you kidding me? What a weird hand motion.
[Amir makes the motion a few more times. It looks progressively less like jumping.]
Jake: ...God, I hate your fingers.
Amir: Never matter. It's probably, like, lox or something.
Jake: Not a fried fish.
Amir: You think Gosling eats fried fish? Ya fucking idiot, he's an Adonis!
Jake: You said! You said, "What's his favorite fried fish?"
Amir: Gosling's on a strict no-fried-fish diet. You know it, I know it--
Jake: Now you know what he eats.
Amir: --the American people know it.
Jake: A second ago, you had no idea what he ate. Now you know whether he doesn't eat fried fish.
Amir: "Number four..."
Jake: So why'd you include him on the list?
Amir: "Drop your bass to the floor!" [singing to the tune of "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj] "My big piranha don't want naan unless you fry that bun! Oh my cod. Look at that cut. Oh my cod. I like halibut--"
[Jake throws a pencil at Amir. Amir doesn't deflect it. The pencil stabs him in the throat and stays there.]
Jake: ...Holy shit.
Amir: "Number three: Is it dim in here, or is it just me?"
Jake: I am sorry...
Amir: It's fine. "Haddock--" ..."Haddock is--" ..."Number three..."
Jake: We have to go to a hospital.
Amir: I'll go in a bit. "Number two? Nah. It's tuna. Forget tilapia, whitefish, and speck. A deep-fried tuna... will help you forget the pain in your neck."
Jake: Did you know this was gonna happen?
Amir: It's a fortunate coincidence. "Number one: This pencil's no fun."
Jake: You're absolutely freestyling.
[Amir turns the scroll around. The one thing written on it is "1. This pencil's no fun. :( -Rodrigo O!"]
Jake: ...You wizard. You warlock.
Amir: "I taste only blood, perhaps a bit of lead. Soon the fried fish won't be all whom are dead. My friend did this to me, he's a murderous beast. But let my last words be this: Fried fish is a feast."
Jake: Nice.
Amir: "And now I'm deceased."
[Amir begins rolling up the scroll very slowly and calmly. Jake watches in bewilderment.]
Amir: Um... I do fear that I'm actually going to die.