Script for Headset
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Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: Jake, Amir, you're watching us—
Jake: Can I just do myself?
Amir: Yes.


Amir: Wow... Notice anything different about me?
Jake: You got your cyst drained!
Amir: What?! (Checks his cyst) No, haha, ow, no no no it's still here. And it's hardened. Ow.
Jake: Yeah, I know. I can see it from the front, so I was just kinda reminding you that you should get it drained.
Amir: Yeah I got this badboy (taps his headset). This molds to the contour of my head.
Jake: So does your cyst.
Amir: No.
Jake: Yeah.
Amir: It's like a golf ball, it's growing on top of it.
Jake: Okay well I'm just saying not to ignore it.
Amir: I'm not ignor—you're ignoring thist! (Touches headset) So I insist, that you stop.
Jake: How much was the headset?
Amir: Doesn't matter. It's not yours, I don't see why you care.
Jake: You just asked me to talk to you about it. Okay, I'm making conversation about the headset.
Amir: I just don't get why the second I get something as chill as a headset you're all up in my snatch about it.
Jake: You begged me repeatedly to talk to you about it. I don't know why you bought one because you never get calls.
Amir: Correction, never get calls.
Jake: That's what I said.
Amir: Never got calls, then.
Jake: What are you talking about?
Amir: It's called I wanted people to call me on my new headset so I left my phone number in a gas station bathroom, okay? But I didn't want to soft sell it so I wrote "For a good time, call:" in lipstick above it. (Subvocalizing) Wow!
Jake: It's not called that. Don't say it's called this, like it's a thing other people do—
(Amir gets a call)
Amir: Hello?
Jake: Gotta change that ringtone.
Amir: I'm wearing a shirt, I guess. Uh, yeah I'm hard, and it is a little wet. How did you even know I had a cyst?
Jake: Hang up man.
Amir: Hello? Hello? (To Jake) Anyway where were we? Oh right I remember where you were, 100%, firmly placed, inside of, my snatch.
Jake: Stop saying snatch. Who just called you?
Amir: None of your bitchness.
Jake: It actually is my bitchness because you're running a phone sex hotline at work—and now my phone's ringing. Did you post my number too?
Amir: I don't think... no.
Jake: Okay well it's coming from an area code that I don't recognize.
Amir: 732?
Jake: Yeah.
Amir: Jersey. I mean, is it?
Jake: Okay well, yeah, well I guess you spend a lot of time in New Jersey on the weekends.
Amir: Sometimes I spend gas station time there, but like nothing more than that.
Jake: Okay, well I'm going to know if you posted my number if I answer this and it's somebody that I don't know asking me what I'm wearing.
Amir: Which is why I swear to god that I didn't leave your phone number.
Jake: (Talking on the phone) Hello? (Hangs up) Yeah. That guy's jerking off.
Amir: I left your phone number. I just remembered and I wanted to come clean because the idea of me not telling you was eating me up inside. I just thought you wanted some company while you were all up in my sand.
Jake: That's not what you were saying before man.
Amir: I forgot it for half a second but then I remembered it: my sa...
Jake: It was snatch.
Amir: Dammit, no. It wasn't that, but you get the prize for getting it the closest.
Jake: That was it.
Amir: No, that wasn't it. I already gave you the prize, stop lobbying for more. (Gets a call) Hello? Uh... I don't know why don't you ask Jake what it smells like, he's currently in it. (To Jake) He's asking me about my—
Jake: Snatch.
Amir: Snatch, yeah.
Jake: Got it.

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