Script for Heavy Lifting |
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Opening Sequence[]
Episode[]
- (Jake and Amir are trying to lift a dresser)
- Jake: Alright, one, two, three—
- Amir: Two, three, four, five, six, seven—
- Jake: One two three lift!
- Amir: Okay, yeah yeah.
- Jake: Okay? One two three—
- Amir: (Letting go of the dresser) Lift! You said lift with your legs.
- Jake: I specifically didn't say that because I knew it would confuse you.
- Amir: Well it did.
- (Amir is sitting on the dresser)
- Amir: Alright new plan, I sit on here, but I inspire you to lift more than you ever thought possible.
- Jake: Why don't you just get off.
- Amir: Okay, done.
- Jake: You're still on.
- Amir: Well I'm pretty high up, bro! I don't know if I can... (Tries to ease himself off, as if he's really high off the ground) One second. ONE SECOND!
- (Jake and Amir are carrying the dresser along)
- Amir: Hey maybe we should take out the drawers, it'll be a little lighter?
- Jake: That's actually a pretty good idea.
- Amir: Okay I was kidding f**ker, keep moving.
- (Amir is on the floor and Jake is removing one of the drawers)
- Amir: Ahh I got a splinter!
- Jake: You're not even near the dresser.
- Amir: I got it up from the carpet.
- (Jake is carrying the dresser and Amir is playing a guitar)
- Amir: (Singing) Fix everything by just being here.
- Jake: So you're done helping?
- Amir: I am helping, in a different way.
- Jake: You're the one that said this needed to be out of here by 5 PM if we wanted to throw it away.
- Amir: (Singing) Fine.
- Jake: Fine. Put the guitar down.
- Amir: (Singing) Okay.
- Jake: Now.
- Amir: (Singing) Sure. (Not singing) Last minute?
- Jake: Down.
- Amir: Okay.
- (Both are carrying the dresser)
- Amir: Woah, nice shirt cowboy. I wish I knew how to quit you.
- Jake: Are you gay, man?
- Amir: What?
- Jake: I just—I gotta ask.
- Amir: I don't even remember what I said, let alone what "gay" means.
- (Back to the scene where Jake is removing a drawer and Amir has a splinter from the carpet)
- Amir: (Holding up his finger) Come kiss it.
- (Amir is lying under the dresser)
- Amir: Woah! Little help? Little help?
- Jake: You said you could benchpress it.
- Amir: Yeah, I can, okay? With a little help. So... little help?
- (Both are carrying the dresser)
- Amir: Ah, dude, you owe me so big for this.
- Jake: You're the one that asked me to help you.
- Amir: I knew you'd throw that back in my face, that is so like you.
- Jake: Not throwing anything in your face—
- (Amir shoves the dresser into Jake so it hits his crotch)
- Amir: C'mon. C'mon! I was kidding. I was kidding!
- (Jake is carrying the dresser and Amir is walking in front of him)
- Amir: Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Try to touch my hands. Try to—
- Jake: It's not helping!
- Amir: Okay but is it hurting?
- Jake: Y—yes!
- (Amir kicks the dresser into Jake's crotch again)
- (Amir is under the dresser again)
- Jake: I leave for a second, you try to benchpress it again.
- Amir: No. Oh my god it feels like my nose is bleeding, even though I know it's not.
- Jake: Uh no, it just started.
- Amir: Yeah, a lot.
- Jake: Yeah, wow.
- (Jake is carrying the dresser and Amir is coming in holding and eating a pizza)
- Amir: Hey hey hey, sorry sorry sorry. (Bites a pizza slice) Sorry sorry sorry. There's—
- Jake: What are you—?
- Amir: (Spits out the pizza) There's free pizza in the kitchen. So. Well, there was free pizza.
- Jake: Come on!
- Amir: Alright. (Moves to help pick up the dresser) Ready ready ready?
- Jake: Swallow it first at least.
- (Jake puts the dresser down at the elevator)
- Amir: And donesauce.
- Pat: Woah, woah! What are you guys doing with my dad's antique dresser?
- Amir: Woah, woah. You just got punked my Jake and Amir, BITCH! Jake, run!
- Jake: No.