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Script for Hookah
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Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. You like my underwear?
Jake: That's your penis.
Amir: Alright.

EpisodeEdit

(Amir is smoking a hookah, when Jake comes into the office)
Amir: Mm. Hit?
Jake: No.
Amir: Come over.
Jake: No.
Amir: Smoking a hookah.
Jake: I see that.
Amir: Not that big of a deal.
Jake: You know, it's actually not, but clearly think it is. Otherwise you wouldn't have gotten to work, set up the entire hookah, and then waited for me to get here so you could ask me to smoke with you.
(Amir moves his mouth as if he's blowing smoke rings)
Jake: Nothing's coming out of your mouth so you're definitely not blowing smoke rings.
Amir: Don't blow smoke up my ass.
Jake: I don't think that's lit, man.
Amir: I have strawberry. I have strawberry and apple and watermelon and mint, and mint is the bomb, and it's smooth, and if you mix it with strawberry it tastes like a mojito.
Jake: Why do you think this is cool?
Amir: Why is drinking alcohol cool? Hm? Why is riding on a motorcyle cool? Why is wearing SPF of less than 10 at the beach cool?
Jake: I don't that think that is cool.
Amir: Because it's dangerous! Being safe is for mothers and nerds, and last time I checked, I'm have a pussy.
Jake: ...what?!
Amir: I said I don't have a pussy!
Jake: No you didn't! You didn't say that! You said "I'm have a pussy"!
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: Have you even done any work at all today?
Amir: (Holding up the hookah hose) Yeah.
Jake: So setting up the hookah was your work.
Amir: No, I also did regular work.
Jake: Where's your computer? It's not out.
Amir: (Holding up his backpack, from which mewing can be heard) It's in my fricking backpack!
Jake: Is there a fucking cat in there with it?!
Amir: Chill it with this line of questioning, okay! It's not becoming of either of us. You're stressing me out.
Jake: Your computer's not out, it's not on; you haven't done any work at all.
Amir: I've been checking my Gmail on my work phone.
Jake: You have a work phone?
Amir: (Mocking Jake) Yeah I have a work phone.
Jake: Where's your phone?
Amir: (Opening his backpack) It's here.
Jake: In the bag.
Amir: (Brandishing his phone) Yeah, in the bag.
Jake: How are you checking it?
(Amir shakes his head idly)
Jake: Gimme your phone.
(Amir tosses Jake his phone)
Amir: Careful, it's dirty!
Jake: It smells like soy sauce and yoghurt!
Amir: Yeah, the lock screen is all... messed up. It's like—
Jake: Not the lock screen. All the buttons are just stuck together, it's one giant button. You ruined your phone.
Amir: I'm starting to not even be in the mood to smoke.
Jake: Stop trying so hard.
Amir: Why? Huh? Because you shouldn't try to be cool! You should just be yourself and not care what other people think?
Jake: Yes.
Amir: No! No, absolutely not! Last week, I paid 2000 dollars for a getting-with-chicks seminar. And guess what happened: final exam time rolls around and we're at a bar, and every single one of us hooks up with a girl. That's right: we all made out like bandits. And on my way home, guess what I saw: the teacher of the class, Sean, he was discreetly paying every single girl that made out with us nerds money. And you know why?
Jake: Because he hired whores to french you so you'd feel better about yourself!
Amir: Because I'm cool!
Jake: You know, with two grand you probably could have paid girls to do a lot more than just make out with you.
Amir: What.

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