Script for Hospital
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Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: (Singing) You're watching Jake and Amir.
Jake: Wow.
Amir: Theme song!
Jake: No.
Amir: So.


(Amir walks into work wearing a bloody hospital gown (with shorts underneath))
Amir: Another day—
Jake: Go back—
Amir: —at the races lemme finish.
Jake: Go back to the hospital.
Amir: Thanks, but no thanks. I'd rather take my chances with the lung murmur, and the spleen thingamajig, and my third and fourth infected nipple.
Jake: That's not intelligent. Sounds like you have a lot of health issues.
Amir: You know what the big issue is? I have a fear of commitment. As in I can't commit—to getting a shot.
Jake: Sounds like you're afraid of getting shots.
Amir: I'm not a pussy!
Jake: You're not intelligent. You have a lot of health issues and you're forgoing treatment.
Amir: Okay, let me put it this way: would you let a doctor buttf**k you?
Jake: That couldn't have—
Amir: Answer the question.
Jake: You're clearly—
Amir: Would you let a doctor buttf**k you?
Jake: Was that happening at your hospital?
Amir: I wasn't gonna take the risk! Okay, that's why I flew over the cuckoo's nest! You're looking at one Get out of Jail Free tard [sic]. And guess what? This one? It's for real.
Jake: Why tack that on at the end of the sentence?
Amir: What?
Both in unison: This one's for real.
Amir: Yeah, it's for real!
Jake: I was on board with the Get out of Jail Free tard, that was sorta clever.
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: But you didn't get out of jail for free.
Amir: I'm not gonna let some quack in a van hack me up in a can for fifty bucks. No way, that's not me, okay? And this one's for real.
Jake: Tell you what: I'm just gonna know everything you say from now on is gonna be for real.
Amir: It's for real, yeah.
Jake: Yeah, so don't say it anymore.
Amir: Okay.
Jake: I'm not saying you should let somebody hack you up in a van.
Amir: Okay well, Tranlyn comes in with a fricking t—
Jake: Stop, I can already tell you're having Leron's friends operate on you.
Amir: Try not—try not 'perating—or noperting on me—he's not operating—
Jake: Yeah I got—
Amir: —try not-perat—
Jake: Time's up, you're not gonna bring the pun home.
Amir: I'm gonna get there, okay!
Jake: You tried—
Amir: I'm gonna nail it! How's that for funny?
Jake: I don't think it would have been funny even if you did nail it.
Amir: I was gonna nail it.
Jake: No, nailing it is like getting it right the first time.
Amir: Right.
Jake: So there's no way you could have nailed it.
Amir: Okay, well I'm sorry I'm not good with wordplay right now, but I'm kinda... I'm bleeding out, man.
Jake: What?
Amir: I faked the anesthesia! Yeah! I blew into the tube instead of sucking in, alright? First sign of a cut I start squealing like a pig in the mud.
Jake: Oh my god.
Amir: I'm down to yell "Gotcha!", but turns out it hurt like a bleach. So the yolk's on me, and this time—
Jake: It's for real. Yeah, okay.
Amir: Exactly right. So I start picking out the IVs, right, squirting blood on the one get well card that I made for myself. How embarrassing is that? Then I leap out of the chair, knock Tranlyn's head together with a nurse's, they're concussed, and I hop out of the van unscathed.
Jake: You're bleeding from so many parts of your body.
Amir: I'm a little bit scathed, okay. But once I get this (Lifts up his gown to show a cut in his side) thing closed up, I'll be fine.
Jake: Oh my god! No!
Amir: What? It's much worse than it looks.

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