Script for I.T. Guy
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Opening SequenceEdit

Jake: You're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: Aw don't talk to them like they're babies.
Jake: I'm not.
Amir: Yeah you're spoonfeeding them.


(I.T. Guy is working at Jake's computer with Jake sitting beside him)
Amir: I could fix this problem in three seconds, and this fool's gonna take three hours. I'm serious. I could fix this problem in three seconds, and this fools gonna take three hours...? To f—to fix it...? I could fix—
Jake: Shut up, dude! You can't fix any problem, computer-related or not, in three seconds, so just stop talking.
Amir: Wow, pussywhipped much.
Jake: What?
Amir: I'm fucking with you. Okay, relax man. You gotta learn how to chill out. I'm serious, if words piss you off this much, you have a seriously psychological problems.
Jake: I have a seriously psychological problems?
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: You have a problem too, you can't talk.
Amir: I'm not keedin man, you should look at—check it out. I'm not keedin.
Jake: You know what, you poured Applejacks and milk all over my computer. Okay, all of my files might be erased.
Amir: Might be! Might be! And you're pissed at me like they are! I'm serious, if words piss you off this much—
Jake: Words didn't piss me off at all! You did! You and your Applejacks!
Amir: Don't blame the Applejacks, like they did anything.
Jake: I'm not blaming them, I'm blaming you.
Amir: I don't deserve the silent treatment.
Jake: I'm not giving you the silent treatment, I'm talking to you.
Amir: You're yelling at me!
Jake: Still! Then it's not the silent treatment, right? So you were wrong when you said that.
Amir: I'm sorry, King Dork is taking way too long. I gotta go over there and like harrass this asshole or something.
(Amir comes over to Jake's desk)
Jake: No, ya don't. Hey, stop!
Amir: Hey! King Dork! Bet you're happy this is a computer problem and not a date, because you have nothing to offer a woman. I bet you have no hobbies.
I.T. Guy: I like swimming.
Amir: Holy shit the King Dork speaks! And he has the worst hobby of all time! (Shuts his eyes for a few seconds) Biking!
Jake: He said swimming. Try to listen. Okay, what hobbies do you have?
Amir: Not really a hobby but I've been pretty into Craisins recently. You know, cranberry raisins.
Jake: You're right, that's not a hobby.
Amir: Hey, Biking Dork! You know what I bet you like to do?
I.T. Guy: Your mom?
Amir: Low blow. You... FUCKING ASSHOLE!
Jake: Hey hey hey, relax!
Amir: What! This guy comes in here with that—that that that poison to my ears?! Starts talking about RAPING my MOTHER?!
Jake: Yo, chill out! He didn't say that!
Amir: You vile, vile little man, with your acid tongue. You serpent! Poisoning my mind's eye!
Jake: You're crying right now? You just—you were making fun of him! You started this, you called him King Dork!
Amir: I can't process this right now, I can't deal with this right now!
Jake: You know what, 30 seconds ago you said if words piss you off this much then you have serious psychological problems.
Amir: I was keedin.
Jake: You're not—you weren't keedin! You said right after, you said "I'm not keedin."
Amir: I was keedin.
I.T. Guy: Alright, should be good.
(I.T. Guy walks away)
Jake: Thanks man.
Amir: You think he meant that? That jab about my old lady?
Jake: No.
Amir: Yeah right. He said it so quick, he didn't even bat an eyelash.
Jake: You're not intuitive.
Amir: If he's King Dork, then I'm Prince Nerd, and... I'm ready to accept that. (To I.T. Guy) Dad come back! I'm ready to love again, I'm sorry!
I.T. Guy: Fuck you!

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