Script for Jake's Twitter |
---|
Opening Sequence[]
- Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Not that I care.
- Jake: You should.
- Amir: Yeah well I do, okay, I care too much.
Episode[]
- (Sarah, Jake and Murph are sitting together drinking milkshakes)
- Jake: Milkshakes were a good idea.
- Sarah: You're right, it's like drinking ice cream and milk at the same time.
- Murph: Yes. Well mine's just chocolate pudding and soy milk, cause—
- (Amir sits down)
- Amir: I wish people would stop saying, "I'm a foodie", and start saying what it actually is: "I'm a prick about food".
- Jake: Not funny.
- Amir: Your Twitter.
- Jake: Wow, okay, is it? Whatever.
- Amir: What do you mean "whatever"? It was your tweet, I didn't get it either.
- Jake: I got it, I was just wasn't trying to be funny.
- Amir: So, why'd you tweet it?
- Murph: You sent that tweet to me before you tweeted it, you wanted me to tell you if it was funny or not...
- Jake: Yeah, and you didn't respond, so why do you care now?
- (Sarah leaves)
- Jake: Great.
- Amir: Yeah, great. Get out of here.
- Jake: No—
- Sarah: I'm leaving!
- Jake: I didn't ask you to leave—(To Amir) what are you doing here, alright?
- Amir: Reading your tweets. Doy.
- Jake: Why are you just reading them? They're not funny.
- Amir: Then why'd you tweet them, okay? How many retweets did they get?
- Jake: I don't know, I don't gi—(Murph leaves) I don't give a crud about my stupid Twitter, I don't even know how to check—
- Amir: Go to Your Tweets and then go to—Your Tweets, Retweets—
- Jake: Tweets, Retweeted—
- Amir: —go to Retweets and then Your Tweets—
- Jake: Not a lot. Not a lot. There's one—there's two. One of them said it was stupid after.
- Amir: See?
- Jake: Well this is me not caring: huugh! How do I delete it?
- Amir: How to delete what? Your account?
- Jake: No, just the dumb tweet.
- Amir: Well they're all dumb tweets, so I would just—
- Jake: They're not all dumb. This one's funny, this one's about Inception: "I understood Inception; in my dreams!" Well it's like two months old.
- (Sarah comes back for her milkshake)
- Jake: Sarah, did you read the...?
- Sarah: (Leaving) Yeah.
- Jake: It's not funny if you read it out loud.
- Amir: Yeah well all tweets are read.
- Jake: Not out loud! Not out loud. That's the dumbest thing you've ever said, I'm gonna tweet that right now.
- Amir: Yeah, cause you tweet dumb things.
- Jake: I'm gonna delete my entire Twitter account. How's that for dumb.
- Amir: Sorry for making you feel so insecure.
- Jake: Insecure about what? Because I don't have a Twitter anymore. I deleted it. Oh, crap, Jwitz ain't got one.
- Amir: Jesus. How many followers did you have?
- Jake: 19760 something, but I hadn't checked in like an hour and I wasn't even sure.
- Amir: (Leaving) I would not have done that.
- Jake: That's the difference between you and me! I'm strong. And I—(Stays silent and looks regretful for some time) Kev! (Mimes getting a blowjob) Nah.
Outro[]
- (Jake is talking on his phone, the camera filming him from outside the room he's in)
- Jake: Yes, it was hacked and deleted, and I don't know why anyone would want to delete it but they deleted the account, and I just—so there's no way to get it back. None of the followers? I don't—no I wi—yeah I would take some of the tweets back, but it's more I would like the followers back. Then let me—and you don't protect them? There's not on a server, anywhere? It's not up in the Cloud? I—okay, let me talk to your manager. I would like—let me talk to a FUCKING manager!