Script for Jake's Twitter
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Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Not that I care.
Jake: You should.
Amir: Yeah well I do, okay, I care too much.


(Sarah, Jake and Murph are sitting together drinking milkshakes)
Jake: Milkshakes were a good idea.
Sarah: You're right, it's like drinking ice cream and milk at the same time.
Murph: Yes. Well mine's just chocolate pudding and soy milk, cause—
(Amir sits down)
Amir: I wish people would stop saying, "I'm a foodie", and start saying what it actually is: "I'm a prick about food".
Jake: Not funny.
Amir: Your Twitter.
Jake: Wow, okay, is it? Whatever.
Amir: What do you mean "whatever"? It was your tweet, I didn't get it either.
Jake: I got it, I was just wasn't trying to be funny.
Amir: So, why'd you tweet it?
Murph: You sent that tweet to me before you tweeted it, you wanted me to tell you if it was funny or not...
Jake: Yeah, and you didn't respond, so why do you care now?
(Sarah leaves)
Jake: Great.
Amir: Yeah, great. Get out of here.
Jake: No—
Sarah: I'm leaving!
Jake: I didn't ask you to leave—(To Amir) what are you doing here, alright?
Amir: Reading your tweets. Doy.
Jake: Why are you just reading them? They're not funny.
Amir: Then why'd you tweet them, okay? How many retweets did they get?
Jake: I don't know, I don't gi—(Murph leaves) I don't give a crud about my stupid Twitter, I don't even know how to check—
Amir: Go to Your Tweets and then go to—Your Tweets, Retweets—
Jake: Tweets, Retweeted—
Amir: —go to Retweets and then Your Tweets—
Jake: Not a lot. Not a lot. There's one—there's two. One of them said it was stupid after.
Amir: See?
Jake: Well this is me not caring: huugh! How do I delete it?
Amir: How to delete what? Your account?
Jake: No, just the dumb tweet.
Amir: Well they're all dumb tweets, so I would just—
Jake: They're not all dumb. This one's funny, this one's about Inception: "I understood Inception; in my dreams!" Well it's like two months old.
(Sarah comes back for her milkshake)
Jake: Sarah, did you read the...?
Sarah: (Leaving) Yeah.
Jake: It's not funny if you read it out loud.
Amir: Yeah well all tweets are read.
Jake: Not out loud! Not out loud. That's the dumbest thing you've ever said, I'm gonna tweet that right now.
Amir: Yeah, cause you tweet dumb things.
Jake: I'm gonna delete my entire Twitter account. How's that for dumb.
Amir: Sorry for making you feel so insecure.
Jake: Insecure about what? Because I don't have a Twitter anymore. I deleted it. Oh, crap, Jwitz ain't got one.
Amir: Jesus. How many followers did you have?
Jake: 19760 something, but I hadn't checked in like an hour and I wasn't even sure.
Amir: (Leaving) I would not have done that.
Jake: That's the difference between you and me! I'm strong. And I—(Stays silent and looks regretful for some time) Kev! (Mimes getting a blowjob) Nah.


(Jake is talking on his phone, the camera filming him from outside the room he's in)
Jake: Yes, it was hacked and deleted, and I don't know why anyone would want to delete it but they deleted the account, and I just—so there's no way to get it back. None of the followers? I don't—no I wi—yeah I would take some of the tweets back, but it's more I would like the followers back. Then let me—and you don't protect them? There's not on a server, anywhere? It's not up in the Cloud? I—okay, let me talk to your manager. I would like—let me talk to a FUCKING manager!

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