Mickey/Script

Opening Sequence

Amir: You're watching Emmy award winning Jake and Amir.

Jake: Webby award winning.

Amir: What the hell is that?

Episode

(Amir is in some room, talking on the phone and holding and looking at a packaged action figure)

Amir: Mickey my friend! Yes. She has arrived, and she is looking—

Jake: You can't just walk out of meetings like that.

Amir: She is looking very mint and extremely cherry. A little scuffing on the plastic, but otherwise extremely nice. Very good work my friend, you have outdone yourself! (Beckons Jake closer)

Jake: I'm close enough.

Amir: Haha! Absolutely. Yeah you should have the money either today, or at the very latest tomorrow. Yes. Fine work. You know, if you're a little worried, I can wire the money to you electronically right now. (Beckons Jake closer)

Jake: Stop snapping at me!

Amir: Yes. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up)

Jake: You want the money electronically?

Amir: Yeah I don't know how to do that.

Jake: D'you buy something on eBay?

Amir: Bought. I made one bid, eight weeks ago, and this guy is hounding me.

Jake: Well did you win?

Amir: Yeah I won. I mean, I made a 600 dollar bid, and the thing was, like, 8. eBay's my bitch. For real.

Jake: So you're not gonna pay the guy.

Amir: Pay—? No, we're not paying a goddamn dime.

Jake: I'm not involved.

Amir: You're gonna be singing a different tune when you realize that all of (his phone starts ringing) my eBay information is actually yours. One second. (Picks up) Mickey! Yes, sorry friend. How is Cheryl? Long time no time. No, I realize we just spoke, it just seems like forever. (Beckons Jake closer)

Jake: I'm close enough.

Amir: Hah! Absolutely. No no no, the money is being wired electronically, as we speech. I'm gonna throw in a little something extra for your efforts. Yeah how does 12 dozen fresh New York City bagels sound? Check y—go outside, I want you to walk downstairs, and open your door and check your doorstep. Okay? Alright you did that? You know why there's nothing there? Cause it's not gonna happen. You're not gonna get your money. And the bagels? Forget about it! (Hangs up) Anyway, where were we? Yeah yeah, so I had—like, my account was flagged several times, so I had to use—you know—my various friends information as my own.

Jake: (Taking out his phone) My phones ringing.

Amir: Yeah, is it an 0119723653 area code?

Jake: Yes, what is going on?

Amir: It's Kuwait. Here give it to me.

Jake: What shit have you gotten me into?

(Jake gives Amir his phone and Amir picks up)

Amir: מחמוד חביבי, מה קורה? כן. לא, יש לי את הדלק חביבי. כן, לא לא אתה תקבל את הכסף. תסתכל בדואר. כן. אה, הסתכלת בדואר והכסף לא שם? אתה יודע למה? בגלל שלא שלחתי את זה! ביי! (Translation: Mahmoud my friend, what's up? Yes. No, I got the bill, my friend. Yes, no no you'll get the money. Look in the mail. Yeah. Oh, you looked in the mail and the money's not there? You know why? Because I didn't send it! Bye.

(Amir hangs up and gives the phone back to Jake. Then Amir's phone starts ringing.)

Jake: Is that Mickey?

Amir: Yeah, I'm sorry one second. (Picks up) Mickey my friend! Yes. You got my last two prank phone calls. Nah nah nah, I'm driving to your house right now with the money, that's why I was just giving you a little goof. I was giving you a little goof. Look outside, do you hear that car honk? Can you hear my car honking? Listen. Listen, can you hear my car honking? No you can't hear a car honking, you know why? Cause my car's not there, cause I'm not coming to bring you any money! Alright my friend, the packaging is scuffed! The packaging is scu—no—you s—no I didn't say it was mint or cherry. Don't put words in my mouth. The—the eBay listing said complete mint condition, and I'm looking at—I have my associate right now, Jake Hurwitz, looking at the packaging too—

Outro

(Amir is still talking to Mickey)

Amir: I'm sorry my friend, it's not gonna happen. Oh I entered into a contract? Oh I entered into a contract. I entered into a contract? Okay, yeah how about we talk about this contract in court! Because you're not—

Jake: Why even pick up the phone?

Amir: (To Jake) Because it's Mickey, I wanna talk to him.

Jake: But why answer it?

Amir: Because he's my friend!