Script for Muscle Tee |
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Opening Sequence[]
Episode[]
- (Jake takes off his button-up shirt to reveal a muscle tee.)
- Amir: Woah, cool tanktop.
- Jake: Woah, cool wrong word for it.
- Amir: What?
- Jake: It's called a muscle tee, asswad.
- Amir: Why?
- Jake: Actually scratch that, it's called six months of pumping iron for this one moment.
- Amir: Do you think that's a normal thing to wear around the office?
- Jake: Do you think I'm not going to go to the park during lunch?
- (Amir shrugs)
- Jake: I don't come in wearing something that makes me feel vulnerable without having an airtight excuse for every line of questioning. Does that make me insecure? You bet your ass it does.
- Amir: Just wear a t-shirt then, you'll look normal and you won't be as angry.
- Jake: GQ Teens says the summer look is Toms Shoes, Ray-Bans, boardshorts... (indicates his muscle tee) and a muscle tee. Or was that Joseph Gordon-Levitt doppelganger that I saw at the Starbucks on 9th Avenue not styling.
- Amir: Doppelganger?
- Jake: Wasn't 100% sure he was the 3rd Rock from the Sun star, and, upon asking for his autograph, I found he was not. Still snagged this sweet pic though.
- (Shows Amir the pic)
- Amir: He looks pissed at you.
- Jake: He was.
- Amir: So why follow his fashion advice?
- Jake: Cause a sleeveless shirt for this piece o' dirt makes that sweet pussy go squirt!
- (Jake squirts milk from his mouth while fingering it)
- Amir: How?!
- Jake: I 69'd my dad! At a rave!
- Amir: What?!
- Jake: I'm obviously joking. The point is that I attend raves! And while I've never done anything more than kiss a bouncer on the cheek to get in and then be sold fake ecstasy by a sweaty tween, still cooler than your last Tuesday.
- Amir: I guess.
- Jake: (Mocking Amir in a high pitched voice) You guess? You guess? You guess? (Normal voice) I shared a fucking glowing pacifier dude. With a legit five and a half. That's two points hotter than my last girlfriend.
- Amir: What?
- Jake: (Singing the McDonald's jingle) Da da da da da, I'm lovin' snatch.
- Amir: That actually is a cool look.
- Jake: No shlit dude.
- (Tearing sounds)
- Jake: No no, hey, don't! Dude!
- (Amir has ripped off the sleeves of his shirt)
- Amir: I'm going sleeveless! Yeah! A dank tank for this man stank make the punanny smell rank!
- Jake: That's not a tank! Bad rhyme, doesn't count!
- (Pat enters, wearing a muscle tee identical to Jake's but for the color)
- Pat: Woah, hey look, guys! Guys! (Indicates his muscle tee) Tanktop triplets!
- Jake: Get him out of here!
- Amir: (To Pat) Get out of here man!
- Jake: Get him out of here!
- Amir: He 69'd his dad!
- Jake: At a rave! Tell him where it was!
- Amir: It was a rave, yeah!
- Pat: (Amused) Why?