Script for New Shirt
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Opening SequenceEdit

Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: Purple nurple!
Jake: Why are you twisting your nipples?
Amir: Ow.


(Amir stares at Jake. Jake looks up at Amir, and Amir looks away.)
Jake: What were you doing? Just staring at me?
Amir: New shirt.
Jake: Yeah.
Amir: I know "yeah". You don't have to say "yeah". I know it is.
Jake: You said "new shirt", what do you want me to say to that? How should I respond?
Amir: Say "I know you know". You know I know.
Jake: I'm trying to—
Amir: What?
Jake: I didn't finish talking. You interrupted me and you said "what", mid-sentence.
Amir: Short sleeve.
Jake: It's actually long sleeve, rolled it up.
Amir: It is new though, right?
Jake: It's new, yeah.
(Amir sighs, then they abruptly start talking over each other)
Amir: Where'd you get the shirt? Tell me where you got it!
Jake: I'm not gonna tell you where I bought the shirt. Stop! Why do you wanna know? Why do you care?!
Amir: Because I want it too! That's why I wanna know, because I want to get the shirt too!
Jake: Yea—I'm not—okay, so that's exactly why I don't want to tell you.
Amir: I'm not gonna wear it on the same day as you, I'm gonna wear it on different days. We can alternate. People won't ever see us wearing the same shirt at the same time. Yeah, they won't say, "Oh okay, those two guys are wearing the same shirt". It won't look like a mirror image!
Jake: I don't want to give you [...] go out there wearing the same shirt. You want everyone to think we're twins? You want that to happen! I—oh my god. I don't want that—if you want it to happen, I don't want it to happen. That's why I'm not gonna tell you.
Amir: So yeah, I'll wear it Monday Wednesday Friday, you wear it on Tuesday Thursday, how's that? How's that for a plan?
Jake: That's—it's a bad plan.
Amir: How about I get the same shirt as you? It won't even be the same size, it'll be two different shirts, (incoherent babbling), in the same style, same style as it! I—I'm really really stressed out, because I'm afraid that at the end of the day you're not gonna...
Jake: I hate—right, right, right, it's—your veins are popping out of your neck so bad! Breathe! Breathe in! Breathe in! Stop yelling and breathe! For three seconds.
(Amir stops yelling)
Jake: Five, four, alright—
Amir: I'm afraid that you're not even gonna end up telling me what shirt!
Jake: Oh my god! You... Oh... You know what, you couldn't pull this shirt off. [...] You won't look good in this shirt! This shirt—it's a bad shirt, but I'm a fucking attractive dude so I make it work for me. You know what I'm saying?
Amir: Because I can't, like—what I'm gonna walk into a store and go, like, "Hey, can I get one that's red and plad just like Jake?" They won't know who you are! I'm gonna take a picture and send it to you, but, like, what's that gonna get done? At the end of the day? Give me a range. Give me a range. Give me a range, okay? Give me, like, 10 stores, I'll go to each one and I'll figure out which shirt you're wearing.
Jake: You—no—that's so pathetic. You're just gonna walk into—?
Amir: Why is that pathetic? That I wanna wear a cool shirt? You're wearing that shirt, are you pathetic?
Jake: What—? You're about to cry! You're about to cry! Look at your eyes. Look at your eyes.
Amir: (Babbling) Are you pathetic? Are you pathetic? Are you pathet—And it's not like I wanna wear one on the same day! It's not like I'm gonna wear it on the same day! We can alternate days!
Jake: Oh you want to alternate! So that means, like, I have to call you before work—I have to check in with you to see if you're wearing my shirt!
Amir: You wear it on Monday, I can wear it on Tuesday, you can wear it on Wednesday, I wear it on Thursday, you wear it on Friday, I wear it on Saturday, you wear it Sunday, I can wear it Monday, you can wear it on Tuesday, I can wear it on Wednesday. That's how we should—
Jake: I'm not—then we can just share this shirt by your logic, right? Yeah—
Amir: Yeah! I wanna do that! I wanna share clothes with you, but I feel like I would sort of ease into that, by getting the same clothes as you, and then you'd realize that, why are we wasting so much money!
Jake: Knowing that you wanna do that ultimately really freaks me out. Stop—I wanna s—
Amir: We should just wear the same clothes! We can wear the same clothes! Put them in the same—!
(They stop yelling over each other)
Jake: FINE! I got it at Forever 21! Okay? Are you happy now? Forever 21! There's a unisex section upstairs!
(Amir is suddenly wearing the same shirt)
Amir: I got the shirt. I said I wouldn't get the shirt, and I did. I did get the shirt. I called your bluff, and you lost.
Pat: Woah, woah, twinsies! Did you guys plan that, or...?
Amir: Yeah.

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