Script for Normal Conversation
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Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: Hey, you're watching two goldenrod golden gods at the top of their−
Jake: Stop it.
Amir: −game!


Amir: (Talking on the phone) Vaguely. Vaguely. Haha! No man. There's a disconnect here. Haha! No man. Consider it dumb. We'll play it by year. There's a disconnect here. Vaguely. Absurd. Vaguely? Bye. (To Jake) How's that for a normal conversation?
Jake: It wasn't.
Amir: Who with, good question.
Jake: Didn't ask it.
Amir: My friend Den.
Jake: Dan?
Amir: Den.
Jake: Dan?
Amir: Den.
Jake: Ben?
Amir: Den.
Jake: Den?
Amir: Yes.
Jake: Dan?
Amir: Den.
Jake: Din?
Amir: Den.
Jake: Den? Like the room?
Amir: Yeah exactly right, like the room. We used to razz him about that all the time, we used to be like, "Uh oh, here comes Snatcher!" Sorry, I'm thinking of my friend Snatcher.
Jake: Right, Snatcher.
Amir: Den.
Jake: Dan?
Amir: So yeah, Den is more of a friend, than a friend of a friend.
Jake: I would have presumed that anyway.
Amir: Don't presume! Okay, cause then you make a pres out of um and e.
Jake: That's not the phrase.
Amir: Anyway you heard the call. Two normal people having a nice normal conversation.
Jake: I think I see what happened here. You obviously took to heart what I said last week when I said−
Amir: Refresh my memory?
Jake: I was about to−
Amir: Refresh my memory then.
Jake: I was about to−
Amir: Okay, out with it.
Jake: −and you interrupted me!
Amir: Say it? What is it?
Jake: You do that a lot, you start talking−
Amir: Okay I won't say anything.
Jake: −when other people are talking.
Amir: Ready?
Jake: Don't ask me if I'm ready to start−
Amir: Ready?
Jake: Yes, I'm ready. Are you not gonna talk?
Amir: No, I'm not.
Jake: Give me five seconds−
Amir: Five seconds−
Jake: Five seconds. Don't−
Amir: Five seconds of silence here we go, ready? Five, four, three−
Jake: Don't count down! You counting is not being silent, right? Just−
Amir: What were you gonna say?
Jake: You obviously took to heart what I said last week when I said I've never heard you have a normal conversation with a normal person in your entire life.
Amir: I don't recall...
Jake: Unzip that hoodie?
(Amir unzips his hoodie to show his t-shirt, and adopts an "Ohhh yeah!" expression)
Jake: Aww, don't be proud! That shirt says "I've never had a normal conversation with a normal person in my entire life. I'm a loser!" You added that in!
Amir: Lucky, breast.
Jake: When I told you that last week you welled up. You welled right up like I told you your parents were dead.
Amir: I wish.
Jake: Wow, dark. You welled up and you said, "I'll show you you piece of clit."
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: "I'll show you I have a friend so normal you won't believe it." Then you sprinted out of the office and I haven't seen you since. I can only presume−
Amir: Don't.
Jake: −that you were eavesdropping on people's conversations, writing down everything you heard and then getting all of them wrong.
Amir: I got all of them right!
Jake: No, you didn't! You don't "consider things dumb"!
Amir: You consider me dumb!
Jake: Right, because you also don't "play things by year".
Amir: Yes, I do!
Jake: No, the phrase is you play things by ear.
Amir: Oh okay so what are you, twelve ears old?
Jake and Amir: What?!
Jake: You should have heard more than those five phrases by the way. And you didn't leave any space, so I can't imagine what, what was his name? Dan?
Amir: Den.
Jake: Den? I can't imagine what Den was saying during that conversation. You should have left some pauses in there.
(Den (Dan Klein) pops up from behind Jake)
Den: Amir!
Amir: Den!
Jake: Jesus.
Den: Vaguely?
Amir: Vaguely.
Den: Vaguely.
Amir: (Wearing sunglasses) Vaguely?
Den: Vaguely.
Amir: Haha! No man.
Den: There's a disconnect here.
Amir: Consider it dumb.
Den: Play it by year?
Amir: What year?
Den: Play it by one year?
Amir: What year?
Den: Hey what year is it?
Amir: 2010.
Den: 2011? Wanna play it by that?
Amir: Consider it dumb.
Den: Absurd.
Amir: Den!
Den: There's a disconnect here.
Amir: Vaguely.
Den: Bye.
Amir: Den!
(Den has left)
Jake: You know, what I said still stands, because that was not a normal conversation with a normal person.
Amir: (Shirtless) That's why I'm keeping the shirt on!

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