Script for Nutrition |
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Episode[]
- Jake: Ha ha. Oh my god.
- Amir: I'm still here.
- Sarah: Let's give Amir the quiz.
- Jake: No, it's just going to be depressing.
- Amir: What kind of quiz is it?
- Sarah: It's a nutrition quiz. You, like, put in what you eat and it tells you how long you have to live.
- Amir: Oh, wow, me and Jake took a quiz once...
- Jake: No we didn't.
- Amir:... and it told us which Sex and the Cities character we were, so don't think you're special or unique.
- Jake: OK, here you go, question one: How often do you eat vegetables?
- Amir: Ten times a day.
- Sarah: Really? Good job.
- Jake: You don't eat vegetables ten times a day.
- Amir: Oh, I thought you said how much do you eat every day and that Vegetables was your nickname for me.
- (Sarah laughs)
- Jake: No, he's being serious. How much fruit do you eat?
- Amir: Well, is BBQ sauce a fruit? Cause it's red.
- Sarah: No.
- Jake: She's being polite, she meant to say: Of course it's not, obviously, you fucking retard.
- Amir: Alright, what about fries, that's a potato, or... apples or ketchup.
- Sarah: Well apples, apples are a fruit.
- Amir: Eh, OK, still zero then.
- Jake: OK, I'll skip the question about vitamins because I assume you don't know what those are.
- Amir: Thank you soulmate.
- Sarah: Alright, uh, how many times do you eat fast food in a week?
- Amir: Sparingly.
- Sarah: Oh, that's great!
- Jake: No, watch this. Amir, what does sparingly mean?
- Amir: All day, every day, every hour—(Eats a chicken nugget) got a chicken nugget in my pocket, got to put it in my mouth...
- Sarah: Jesus, where did that even come from?
- Jake: He just has them.
- Amir: Anyway, what does it say? How long do I got? Sixty years? Two hundred years?
- Jake: Stop.
- Amir: Three hundred years?
- Jake: According to this you should have been dead ten years ago.
- Amir: Living on borrowed time. Pretty chill. Pretty poetic.
- Sarah: Yeah... no, you should watch what you eat Amir.
- Amir: I do watch. I watch it go in my mouth.
- (Amir tries and fails to catch a chicken nugget in his mouth)
- Jake: See you don't even do that.
- Amir: Wha'eva.
- Jake: Will you at least pick that up?
- Amir: Five minute rule.