Script for Nutrition
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Jake: Ha ha. Oh my god.
Amir: I'm still here.
Sarah: Let's give Amir the quiz.
Jake: No, it's just going to be depressing.
Amir: What kind of quiz is it?
Sarah: It's a nutrition quiz. You, like, put in what you eat and it tells you how long you have to live.
Amir: Oh, wow, me and Jake took a quiz once...
Jake: No we didn't.
Amir:... and it told us which Sex and the Cities character we were, so don't think you're special or unique.
Jake: OK, here you go, question one: How often do you eat vegetables?
Amir: Ten times a day.
Sarah: Really? Good job.
Jake: You don't eat vegetables ten times a day.
Amir: Oh, I thought you said how much do you eat every day and that Vegetables was your nickname for me.
(Sarah laughs)
Jake: No, he's being serious. How much fruit do you eat?
Amir: Well, is BBQ sauce a fruit? Cause it's red.
Sarah: No.
Jake: She's being polite, she meant to say: Of course it's not, obviously, you fucking retard.
Amir: Alright, what about fries, that's a potato, or... apples or ketchup.
Sarah: Well apples, apples are a fruit.
Amir: Eh, OK, still zero then.
Jake: OK, I'll skip the question about vitamins because I assume you don't know what those are.
Amir: Thank you soulmate.
Sarah: Alright, uh, how many times do you eat fast food in a week?
Amir: Sparingly.
Sarah: Oh, that's great!
Jake: No, watch this. Amir, what does sparingly mean?
Amir: All day, every day, every hour—(Eats a chicken nugget) got a chicken nugget in my pocket, got to put it in my mouth...
Sarah: Jesus, where did that even come from?
Jake: He just has them.
Amir: Anyway, what does it say? How long do I got? Sixty years? Two hundred years?
Jake: Stop.
Amir: Three hundred years?
Jake: According to this you should have been dead ten years ago.
Amir: Living on borrowed time. Pretty chill. Pretty poetic.
Sarah: Yeah... no, you should watch what you eat Amir.
Amir: I do watch. I watch it go in my mouth.
(Amir tries and fails to catch a chicken nugget in his mouth)
Jake: See you don't even do that.
Amir: Wha'eva.
Jake: Will you at least pick that up?
Amir: Five minute rule.

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