Script for Oil Spill
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Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: For all us here at Jake and Amir, happy holidays.
Jake: Wow, not even close.
Amir: Wha' 'eva.


(Jake is reading a newspaper on a couch, when Amir comes in)
Amir: What book are you reading?
Jake: It's a newspaper.
Amir: No sh*t, that's why I asked what you were reading.
Jake: Okay, what?
Amir: Okay, what?

Jake: I was reading about this oil spill.
Amir: Tchh, tell me about it. No news is good news, though.
Jake: Well there is news, and it's bad news.
Amir: Yeah, that's why—it proves my point.
Jake: God, I hate when you're accidentally right.

Jake: Basically there was an accident, and there's a well pumping hundreds of thousands of gallons of oil into the ocean every single day.
Amir: Okay what's the big deal, just stuff it with garbage. Okay, that's what I would do.
Jake: Wow, they actually thought of that. And it's insanely disappointing that you're coming up with the same solutions as they are.
Amir: Yeah. Disappointing for me?
Jake: For the world.
Amir: For the wolf.
Jake: For the world.

Amir: I think the scariest thing isn't the rate at which the oil is spilling, but rather spiders. Okay, those things are freaky for real.
Jake: Yeah.
Amir: "Yeah", you agree, or "yeah" you're just getting me to shut up?

Amir: If you could change one thing about the oil spill, what would it be—
Jake: That the rig would never explode.
Amir: —and why? Hmm? A little harder than you thought.

Amir: Soil, foil, Susan Boyle...
Jake: Can you go back to your desk?
Amir: Noil.

Amir: Drill baby drill, huh? More like, kill baby krill.
Jake: That's actually kinda clever.
Amir: Yeah, if only "krill" was a word.
Jake: Okay, nevermind.
Amir: Yeah forget it. Forget it, it's got it, it's gone.
Jake: Yep.

Amir: There's this episode of Saved by the Bell, where uh...
Jake: Right, with the oil spill?
Amir: No, the one where Zach impersonates a Russian chess player from Valley and lets Screech beat him.
Jake: Why would you bring that up now?
Amir: Cause it's funny!

Amir: As sad as this whole oil spill thing is, it might be like the one catalyst that sort of springs us and the world in general to sort of think about alternative energy sources, going forward.
Jake: You might be right, you might be right.
Amir: Yeah, I'm just kidding you idiot! You carf**ker! I got you! Yeah, how about an automobile that runs on ocean water so that when the ocean water spills into the ocean no one gives a crap? How about no—

Amir: You know, this whole thing wouldn't be an issue if oil was more dense than water, like I suggested?

Amir: Oh no no no okay okay okay, here we go: how about an automobile that's run on stupid ideas, so we can just hook a pump to your ass, and you can fart out these sh*tty ill-conceived notions for the rest of time, and we can just power every car in America for the next 30 years? How about that? Or, what about thinking solar for once?

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