Script for Opposite Day |
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Opening Sequence[]
Episode[]
- (Amir repeatedly waves at Jake)
- Jake: I already acknowledged you.
- Amir: Evenin'.
- Jake: Morning.
- Amir: Bad to see you.
- Jake: You too.
- Amir: No, shut up. Er... Keep talking.
- Jake: What are you doing?
- Amir: Today is not Opposite Day. Or it's not not...
- Jake: Oh my god. Are you kidding me? Are you serious right now? You're an adult! You're a grown-up and a you're doing this.
- Amir: Thank you! Er, you're wel—sor—you're welc—no—sorry!
- Jake: This is some really elementary school level shit, buddy.
- Amir: Yeah that means it's high school level shit, not buddy.
- Jake: Still be pretty immature then, right? Since you're almost 30?
- Amir: I don't not appreciate, or the opposite of appreciate that so—
- Jake: Your nose is bleeding.
- Amir: Oh, dammit. Er, fine, good. Frig it! I'm overthinking it!
- Jake: Okay, well you know what, if thinking of opposites makes your nose bleed, I'd advise you not to partake in Opposite Day.
- Amir: No! Er, yes!
- Jake: Or at least go back to school. Try to make yourself smart.
- Amir: Okay, you know what? For the rest of the day, I'm not going to ignore you.
- Jake: Fine. I'm just gonna leave you with one final thought: I have a vagina, you have a penis.
- Amir: No, today we are both having a vagina.
- Jake: Nah, sorry man. Today, I have a tiny little vagina, and you have a big ol' penis.
- Amir: I have a pussy! I have a tight little pussy! (Jake films Amir) And, I'm a nerd! And, we're not friends!
- Jake: Great, I got that all on camera.
- Amir: Delete that video you fucking dickwad.
- Jake: So it's not Opposite Day anymore.
- Amir: Opposite Day just took a big old timeout when I became concerned about what you're gonna be doing with that footage of me saying some pretty compromising shit! Namely, that I have a pussy, that I'm a nerd, and that we aren't friends!
- Jake: That was everything you said.
- Amir: No. Yes. What?
- Jake: Right. So definitely I am posting that video online. That's why I took it.
- Amir: At least say that it's Opposite Day—
- Jake: No.
- Amir: —in the caption!
- Jake: No!
- Amir: Good. Fine. Everybody please listen up. Despite what video on the internet you may or may not have seen yet, I am not a nerd and I do have a pussy.
- Jake: Wow.
- Amir: Don't have a pussy. Keep taping. Keep taping! I don't have a pussy!
- Jake: I'm not taping anything.
- Amir: You know what, here. Here it is. (Stands on the desk and pulls down his shorts) My glorious hog in all of its glory. That's right. Does this look like a tight small pussy to you? I don't frikking think so!
- (Paul comes in)
- Paul: Amir! Amir Amir Amir. What are you doing?! This is work! You're fired.
- Amir: Yeah, well, the joke's on you, sir, because today is Opposite Day, so you just told me I'm hired.
- Paul: Dammit he's right! Carry on gentleman.
- Jake: Are you kidding me?!