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Script for Painting Ideas
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Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: Hi, you're watching art.
Jake: Jake and Amir.
Amir: In action. Movement. Comedy.

EpisodeEdit

[Jake is sitting on the couch. After a few seconds, he seems to notice the viewer, curiously narrowing his eyes directly at the camera. Amir comes in and sits beside Jake, distracting him.]
Amir: Hey bub. Mind if I pitch you some painting ideas?
Jake: What?
Amir: I'll take that as a no...
Jake: Great.
Amir: ...but I don't take no for an answer! Scoot over!
Jake: You're already sitting.
Amir: You're taking up the whole couch!

Amir: Alright, have you ever seen a painting of just, like, a fucking field? Not even of people. Just a landscape.
Jake: Yes. Of course.
Amir: [taken aback] Ow, that hurts...
Jake: You thought you were the first person ever to come up with the idea of painting nature?
Amir: Never mind, I said.
Jake: When did you say "never mind"? You just said it for the first time now.
Amir: [nodding] Yeah.

Amir: What's the gayest part of painting?
Jake: Nothing.
Amir: [waving his hand] That you do it with a brush.
Jake: Homophobic. Dumb.
Amir: Which is why I'm using this. [holds up a palette with paint]
Jake: You have paint. What would you use to get it on the canvas?
Amir: ...Oh, no!

Amir: See if you can wrap your fat little Jew cock around this idea: It's a portrait painting of a woman. [pauses] ...Hmm? Thoughts?
Jake: ...Sure.
Amir: Has it been done?

Amir: Alright, what if I forgo the canvas, and just straight up paint on a building?
Jake: Yeah, that's street art. That's pretty fun. Sure.
Amir: That's not fun, if it's been done!
Jake: That's an awful slogan, and a bad way to live your life. It insinuates that nobody but you can have a good idea.
Amir: Exactly right.
Jake: Yet all of your ideas so far have been unoriginal.
Amir: Forget it, I said!
Jake: No you didn't! You never said what you said you said. I don't think I've ever seen you say what you said you said.

Amir: You know, what the big issue is is that I was born too late, so all the good shit's already been done.
Jake: How dare you? You have every modern convenience. I mean, this is probably the only era that you could survive in--
Amir: I would have killed it in Egypt, as a slave. Did you know, actually, here's a-- ...I came up with the pyramids.

Amir: What about a dude?
Jake: Is your goal to paint something totally original?
Amir: Mm-hmm.
Jake: That's never been painted before?
Amir: That's right.
Jake: And your first three ideas were a dude--
Amir: [simultaneously] Dude.
Jake: --a girl--
Amir: [simultaneously] A girl.
Jake: --and a landscape.
Amir: Nature, yeah. Nature landscape.
Jake: Bad. You're bad.

Amir: [singing] There will be the sun, let it be...!
Jake: Great. So to recap, you think you think you came up with the pyramids...
Amir: Yes.
Jake: ...and "Let It Be"...
Amir: [simultaneously] "Let It Be". Correct.
Jake: ...before-- independently of those things--
Amir: [simultaneously] Of the Beatles. Yeah, exactly.
Jake: Got it. Okay, anything else? By the way, you did not hum "Let It Be" right--
Amir: Cold cuts.
Jake: Alright...

Amir: Head of a frog, body of a deer... he's golfing by himself, under the ocean, the floor is fire. Have you seen that?
Jake: I guess not. No.
Amir: Perfect!
Jake: Can you paint it?
Amir: No, not without an easel.
Jake: Get out of here. Please. Go.
Amir: [getting up and walking away] Jesus.
Jake: Through the window, if you don't mind.
Amir: [walking back the other way] Are you kidding me?
Jake: I'm not kidding!

Extended takeEdit

Amir: Cold cuts, was me. Sliced turkey, sliced, uh... stuff like that. Have you had a sandwich today?
Jake: Sliced turkey-- you couldn't come up with another meat?
[Jake and Amir both crack up.]
Jake: But you invented cold cuts?
Amir: I don't remember everything I did.

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