Script for Ping Pong
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Opening SequenceEdit

Jake: Hey, you're watching Ja—
Amir: Please, please, please tell me where you bought those jeans.
Jake: Why now?
Amir: Why not?


(Jake is playing ping pong with someone. He wins.)
Jake: Game, set, snatch. That's what you are, man. Get out—don't—hey, bow to me. Bow—come on, hey!
(Amir comes in)
Amir: Hey, lemme play.
Jake: No way. I'm not playing you on account of you suck and I don't want to play you.
Amir: Come on!
Jake: Fine, let's go. You serve first.
(Amir serves, and Jake misses the ball)
Jake: Alright, your serve then.
Amir: I just served.
Jake: Yeah, well we rallied for serve! Now it's your serve.
(Amir serves, and Jake's return goes wide)
Jake: Alright, I was not ready, I was talking. I was in the middle of a f**king sentence. I'm ready. Go.
(Amir serves, Jake returns and Amir catches the ball)
Jake: Damn. My point, my point. You caught it.
Amir: It was long!
Jake: Yeah, you hit it, that's my point.
Amir: So if I hit it into your body, then that's my point.
Jake: Yes. That's how ping pong works. It's called listening. 101.
(Amir hits the ball into Jake)
Jake: Alright. 2-0, me.
Amir: Why?
Jake: It was an illegal serve. If you don't know how to serve, then don't play the game.
Amir: Fine.
(Amir serves, Jake returns, and Amir hits the ball into Jake)
Jake: Ow, my point. 3-0.
Amir: It hit you!
Jake: It grazed me!
Amir: You said "ow".
Jake: 3-0. Gimme the ball, my serve.
Amir: You gave me the ball. (In fact he did not; the ball teleported from Jake's hand to Amir's in between shots)
Jake: Well give it back.
(Amir tosses the ball and Jake fumbles it)
Jake: Bad throw. (Bends down to get it and hits his head on the table) Ow! Aw! You're an anus. But uh, sneak attack! (Serves, and the ball goes long)
Amir: Hey! Okay.
Jake: Alright. Give it up!
Amir: But you just served.
Jake: It was a joke! I was kidding! Give it... (Amir tosses the ball back) Alright, 4-0. That counts now. 5-0. 5-0, not getting the joke penalty. Sorry Sally Jessica Rafael. That one's lost on you. Here it is. (Serves)
Amir: [...] Sally Jessica Rafael.
(Amir wins the rally)
Jake: Alright. Across the table but I'll give it to you.
Amir: Wait what do you mean, cross the—?
Jake: Doesn't matter what I mean, cause I said I'd give it to you, didn't I?
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: You need to learn how to be funny, man. I'm sorry, you need to learn how to be funny. 6-nil, you get one point for being a bitch. This one's for the skunk, though.
Amir: The skunk?
Jake: Skunk! It's an 11-1 game. But hey, if you don't know that brotha, you're already skunked. Later. (Serves the ball, into the net) F**k! (Whips the racket in a random direction)
Woman offscreen: Ow!


Jake: I feel bad, but I don't have to feel that bad, cause I smahsed my face on the table before. Alright? And trust me, that would hurt me more than it hurts you. Okay. Uh, this is a re-serve for the skunk. Here we go. (Serves the ball, and evidently misses) Alright, I was talking!

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