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Script for Private Eye - Part 1
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Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: Hi, you're watching the award-winning Jake and Amir.
Jake: What award?
Amir: Great question: Best Supporting Actress.
Jake: Not true.

EpisodeEdit

(Ben yanks Amir into a private room)
Ben: Okay, I did everything you asked me to do. Alright, I found out all the information—
Amir: Who are you?
Ben: I'm the private eye you hired.
Amir: No, you don't look anything look him, I'm sorry. You're not the pr—
(Ben unbuttons one button of his shirt)
Amir: Oh! There are you are. I didn't recognize you with your shirt like that.
Ben: I'm a master of disguise.
Amir: Alright, so what did you find out?
Ben: Okay, so you told me to follow Drake and find out all of his likes and dislikes—
Amir: Well, not his dislikes, okay. I'm not paying you for his dislikes.
(Ben lifts Amir up against the wall by his neck)
Ben: YOU ARE PAYING ME FOR THE DISLIKES! OKAY? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?
(Amir nods and Ben lets him go)
Ben: Jeez Christ, oh Myin. Oh mishvach.
Amir: No.
Ben: Hey, if you refer me to one of your friends or something like that, don't bring up that I choked you.
Amir: I might not be able to refer you, because you do choke—
(Ben lifts Amir up by his crotch)
Ben: YOU WILL REFER ME! RIGHT?
Amir: Yes I'll refer you!
Ben: AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE MY FRIEND ON LINKEDIN!
Amir: Okay, I'll be your friend on LINKEDIN!
Ben: YOU'RE GONNA BE MY BEST FRIEND ON LINKEDIN!
Amir: I don't know if there's a setting being your best friend—
(Ben puts Amir down)
Ben: Ahh I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I just get fiery hot with [...]. I gotta take my medicine.
(Ben pours candy into his mouth)
Amir: No. Oh my... Is that what you think the M stands for?
Ben: One of them. One of them stands for "medicine", I don't know what the other one stands for. Maybe "Maybelline"? Maybe it's Maybellime! By the way, when I was feeling around your balls, right? You may have testicular cancer.
Amir: Why?
Ben: Cause you have more balls than you need, man.
Amir: I have two balls. I have two balls, and that's good.
Ben: No.
Amir: That's how many you're supposed to have. You're supposed to have two.
Ben: Can you feel my balls?
(Amir feels his balls)
Amir: You have one.
Ben: F**k.
Amir: Yeah. Anyway do you have like a li—
Ben: Stop, shh shh. We can't talk about anything, this place might be bugged. Okay?
Amir: By who?
Ben: You wouldn't know. (Puts a cloth over Amir's mouth) Let's just sleep. Sleep like a baby.

(Amir wakes up sitting in a chair. Ben is in front of him, scaring him by putting a balloon with a face on it in front of his face.)
Ben: (Putting the balloon away) It's a balloon, it's a balloon.
Amir: What happened? What time is it? Where am I? What did you do?
Ben: Time doesn't matter, but lemme tell you this: you cannot be trusted in that other room.
Amir: Then why didn't you just ask me to leave? I would have walked out with you. And why is my hand down my pants?!
Ben: Because that way you know that my hand isn't down your pants. If your hand is—
Amir: Didn't you have to put your hand down when you put my hand down?
Ben: Can you tilt your head back real quick? And then inhale.
(Amir complies, and Ben throws a cloth over his face)

(Amir wakes up on a table, and Ben goes on top of him)
Amir: Oh my god. Why two hands?
Ben: Y2K? You remember that a couple months back? Listen, I printed out all of Drake's likes. You study those, he's gonna be best friends with you. Okay?
Amir: Okay.
(Ben puts the printout on Amir's chest)
Ben: All you need to do. You ready?
Amir: Yeah.
Ben: You ready to get a new best friend?
Amir: I'm ready.
Ben: I'm ready to get a new best friend! Say it with me:
Both: I'm ready to get a new best friend!
Ben: It's a great day!
Both: I'm ready to get a new best friend!
Amir: It's a great day!
Ben: Fantastic! I'm gonna go to the bathroom, okay?
Amir: Okay.
Ben: Okay. (Puts a cloth over Amir's mouth)

OutroEdit

(Ben leaves a bathroom stall, puts Amir's, who is asleep on the sinks, hand down his pants, and leaves)

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