Script for Private Eye - Part 2
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Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: Congrats, you're our 1,000,000th viewer!
Jake: We've had more than 1,000,000 viewers.
Amir: Woah, really?


(Ben is hiding under Amir's desk, talking on the phone)
Ben: Yo what up Power, it's Mr. Right. I'm gonna need a lot more chloroform, like 40 bottles. You know what Howard? I think I've had a enough of your bullshit. (Holds a towel to the phone) Did that work? No, okay. Then I just need like a bunch of more bottles—
Amir: (To Ben) Shh.
Ben: Need a couple more bottles.
Amir: Shh! (To Jake) Jake. Um, what are you thinking about later? I'm thinking of having a Sprite. Do you think—do you think that?
Jake: I think you should keep that to yourself.
Amir: Me too. That's why I'm going to.
Jake: Okay.
Amir: Um, I don't know, I just felt like we could chill in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, your hometown.
Jake: You think I'm—
Amir: And we can have Sprite!
Jake: You think I'm from Toronto? And you think I want to go there? Right now? To have Sprite?
(Amir turns to Ben)
Amir: Alright, you're really fucking me on this, man.
Ben: What are you talking about?
Amir: What am I talking about? None of this information is right! That's what I'm talking about.
Ben: (Pointing at the list) No no, that's everything you need to know about Drake.
Amir: Who's Drake?
Ben: You know Drake, he's like that song: (singing) Hey yo my name is Drake, do you know my buddy Samuel? He's got a razor scooter. Go, Samuel you're doing—
(Amir kicks him)
Ben: Oww, man!
Amir: Shh!
(Ben starts talking at full volume, and Amir talks over him so Jake doesn't hear)
Ben and Amir: I have a small penis!
Amir: So. Do you like hanging out with hip hop vocals?
Jake: Why did you just say you had a small penis?
Amir: I didn't. You like—I was talking about, uh, Birdman.
Jake: (Angry) Birdman?
Amir: Birdm—no. What—because your hip-hip hop career.
(Ben sneaks up behind Jake tries to silently consult Amir as to whether he should chloroform Jake)
Jake: My hip hop—I don't have a hip hop career. Right?
Amir: No.
Jake: No, yeah.
Amir: Nope.
Jake: No you're right. Okay, I'm going back to work.
Amir: No!
Jake: No I can't go back to work?
Amir: Yeah—n—no! No, no.
Jake: I'm not talking.
Ben: Hey, what do you guys think about Drake?
Jake: Who the hell are you?
Ben: Me? Look at me right now, maybe you'll remember. (Unbuttons one button on his shirt)
Amir: Oh yeah.
Ben: My name is
Jake: Jope?
Ben: Yep. Uh, I don't know why the hell I'm here, but I'll tell you one thing: I can't get enough of that guy Drake.
Jake: Don't speak so close to me.
Ben: Yeah.
Jake: Who's Drake?
Amir: (Singing) You see nothin' but Samuel.
Jake: That's Drake?
Ben: Yeah.
Jake: Okay, I'm gonna go—
Ben: We should go to a Drake concert.
Amir: Oh my god!
Jake: Why would we go to a Drake concert?
Ben: Because it would be so much fun, with friends!
Jake: I don't want to go to a Drake concert!
Ben: I think you do want to come to the Drake concert!
Jake: I actually do not want to go to the Drake—
Ben: I'm almost positive you wanna to go the fucking Drake concert!
Jake: I don't—(Ben lifts Jake up by his crotch) Ahh! Oh my god! Okay! I'll go to the Drake concert! I'll go the Drake concert!
Ben: Yeah! And you're gonna be my friend on LinkedIn!
Jake: Fine I'll be your friend—
Ben: My best friend on LinkedIn!
Jake: Fine, your best friend on LinkedIn!
Amir: I thought I was gonna be your best friend on Linked—
(Ben puts down Jake)
Ben: You can have two best friends on LinkedIn. Come on Mirmirs! We're gonna have so much fun!
Jake: Okay, well I'll have to—
Ben: Before we go we should probably sleep. Take a little sleep.
(Ben chloroforms Jake and himself. Amir follows suit and chloroforms himself.)

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