Script for Reddit
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Opening SequenceEdit

Jake: You're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: Hey gimme your hat. Woah, bad hair.
Jake: That's why I'm wearing a hat.


Jake: Okay dude, sorry, but you have to stop posting on Reddit.
Amir: Relax, I only post cool and interesting stories. At most... one a month?
Jake: You've posted 3900 times today.
Amir: I said at most!
Jake: Then you're using that word wrong.
Amir: You're a bigger circlejerking diva than the commenters! And that's saying a lot.
Jake: Right. The last thing you uploaded, 30 seconds ago, was a picture of the guy from Futurama with—I think this is your dick—
Amir: It's not.
Jake: —photoshopped onto his forehead.
Amir: Oh yeah it is.
Jake: The text: "Not sure if y'all commenters are a bunch of circlejerking divas or if I'm universally hated by everybody." It's the second thing.
Amir: It's called a mehmeh.
Jake: No, it's called a meme. Wow, you know you also tried to start a ton of AMAs. "I am a coward and a fool whose dad moved out on him not once not twelve but a dozen times, ask me anything"?
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: "My dad is a diva, ask me anything"?
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: "I'll go dickless for Michael Chiklis, ask me almost anything"?
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: What is that?
Amir: AMAs! Okay it's like an interview, it stands for Ask Me Any Wh—Time.
Jake: Wrong. What the fuck is "going dickless for Michael Chiklis"?
Amir: I needed the upvotes.
Jake: You never get any upvotes! You have thousands of downvotes!
Amir: It's called karma, Jake, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I got a lot of it.
Jake: You are wrong.
Amir: Then correct me.
Jake: What are these hundreds and hundreds of posts on r/Trees, just picture after picture of you trying to light a joint your eyebrows on fire, and you're crying and smiling.
Amir: I'm an ent that needed the uptokes.
Jake: Okay, right, I see that. "I am high as a knife, ask me anything. If this gets a thousand uptokes I won't kill myself"? So sad!
Amir: How's this for sad: I was at a 3 when I wrote that.
Jake: That is sad, because that's not very high and you went to a really dark place, threatened to kill yourself in an online community where everybody hates you.
Amir: Will you just uptoke it? Okay I'll go dickless for Chiklis literally this afternoon if you uptoke it.
Jake: I won't. Because you know what, your comments on all these other posts are actually really mean.
Amir: Aw.
Jake: Like on this video of a dog—
Amir: One example.
Jake: Are you ser—
Amir: Give me one example.
Jake: I'm—I'll give you a ton of examples! Okay like on this video of a dog squealing with joy when his soldier owner comes home—
Amir: I already know what you're gonna say, okay, just know that I did it for the lols.
Jake: "You did this for lols. Why the bitch is this on the front page? Am I the only one that thinks dogs aren't cute or capable of having real emotion?"
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: "If this gets downvoted I'll shut up. My dick is off for Michael Chik if this gets one more d-vote."
Amir: And guess what man?
Jake: Hundreds of downvotes!
Amir: Really!
Jake: Yeah! Do you not check? Do you follow up at all?
Amir: No, I never go back!
Jake: You would be depressed if you went through your Reddit history, okay. Here's another picture posted here, of the Pope and the caption says, "Prays for starving children while sitting on a golden throne."
(Amir laughs)
Jake: What—you think that's funny now?
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: Cause you didn't when you left this comment: "Atheist fucks going to hell for talking smack about this God guy. Bury me with downvotes if you disagree." You know, why do you—why do you ask for the downvotes?
Amir: I'm like a martyr.
Jake: "But, if you agree, meet me at Blockbuster, because we're renting Rampart and then ramming each other's farts." Then, right under that you write, "Commenter above me is a philosopher. Upvote him to karma heaven." Right under that, you write, "I am the pope in this picture, ask me anything."
Amir: That thread was dead.
Jake: Stop trying to protect yourself! You're coming up with excuses. Just admit nobody on Reddit likes you!
Amir: Nobody likes me.
Jake: This guy, forthewolfx, replied to you saying, "Leave Reddit alone. Love, everybody." And his comment got thousands of upvotes.
Amir: Oh.
Jake: And in response, you decided to post a picture of Calvin trying to piss on Michael Chiklis—but there's no pee.
Amir: Yeah. Guess why.
Jake: Did he go dickless?
Amir: He went dickless for him! Yeah, exactly right! Ask him any time!

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