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Script for Resume
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Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: Two best friends, one office, zero possibilities.
Jake: I'm not gonna let you write these anymore.

EpisodeEdit

(Jake is sitting on a couch working on his laptop, when Amir comes in and tries to sit between him and the armrest)
Jake: What are you doing? Sit there! Amir! Sit there! We have an entire couch, and I'm not gonna move because I was—

(Jake has moved)
Amir: (Giving Jake some papers) Hey can you help a cousin out with his resume?
Jake: Wow, actually, yes, absolutely. Are you looking for another job?
Amir: Something like that.
Jake: Alright, right off the bat, you've used a sample resume I'm guessing, because your name is "Will B. Hired".
Amir: You caught that.
Jake: Yes, I did. And your email address is put@emailaddress.here.
Amir: Okay, can we please just focus on what matters?

Jake: Objective, wow. Why don't you read this out loud and tell me if it's what you want to send to a prospective employer.
Amir: "Money = pussy". No.

Amir: You want a hurtsdangit?
Jake: What?
(Amir punches Jake in the arm)
Amir: Hurts!
(Jake punches back)
Amir: Dang it!

Jake: Under "Experiences" you just wrote "When something happens to you"; that's just defining it.
Amir: Mhm. Did I get it right, though?
Jake: It doesn't matter.
Amir: That's a yes.

Jake: Under "Skills" you wrote "dunking".
Amir: Mhm. A basketball.
Jake: Yeah, no, I know, but you can't do that.
Amir: Yeah, did I specify how tall the hoop was?
Jake: You did, you said 10 feet.
Amir: Okay so delete it. It's not rocket sockets.
Jake: I know but it's still—
Amir: Just get out of my life!

Jake: Yeah, this, like, all this, where you listed every school, even the ones you went to when you were a baby, that's just un—(glances at Amir) are you asleep? Are you asleep?
Amir: Hnh? Yeah! No.

Jake: "Proficient at Microsoft Word", right? You said you can write 500 words a minute?
Amir: Mhm. But, did I specify what kind of words?
Jake: You did; you're always specifying for some reason. You wrote "nonsense words", and a winking emoticon.

Jake: Activities, you wrote "none", which is honest, but it's probably a bad move.
Amir: Yeah, well, I didn't wanna lie.
Jake: Yeah but then there's a comma and you wrote "music".
Amir: Right, well you gotta sweeten the deal a little bit. Right? You gotta tickle the generals. (The sound of Amir cackling is overdubbed) —a little bit. So, just stop focusing on that one line. I feel like you're harping so much on that one specific. The rest of the resume is gibberish, I got a cyst on my neck that doctors don't even know how to drain yet, bec—

Jake: Special Skills: "playing DVDs".
Amir: Mhm. Just pop in, press play, and enjoy—
Jake: Enjoy the ride. Yep, you wrote that. You also wrote, "If it skips, cry till it's fixed."
Amir: It rhymes.
Jake: It doesn't.

Amir: (Showing Jake his cyst) Feel this. And you're worried about—
Jake: Oh! God.
Amir: If people can even talk about my music? Who cares about music!

Jake: For "Extracurriculars" you have "My cousin owns a laser tag." That's not really relevant.
Amir: Yes it is, this is his resume.
Jake: So you're not looking for a new job?
Amir: No, I'm not—why would I look for a new job? I got the best coworkers in the world! (Tickles Jake, who resists)

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