Script for Sandwich Email
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Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, or as my mom calls it, You'll Never Amount to Shit.
Jake: Wow.


(Amir is bound to his chair and gagged, when Jake comes in)
Amir: MMMMM! MMM!!
(Jake removes the gag)
Jake: Jesus Christ dude, what happened?
Amir: I had a bad day, I took a one down, I sang a sad song just to turn it around.
Jake: Does this have anything to do with the 319 emails I got when I got off the subway?
Amir: It's kind of hard to be sure, I was too busy being bound and gagged for the last twenty minutes on account of all the emails I sent.
Jake: So it's not that hard to be sure, right? (Reading from his phone) First email from you came 49 minutes ago: "Anybody want half a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich?"
(Amir indicates the sandwich, which is on his desk)
Jake: "I tried to finish it but cannay get her done. I am full as a kite and I might just stop to eat you out."
Amir: Email of the fucking year.
Jake: Not really. You respond to your email: "Hear ye hear ye, did anybody hear me? This is an amazing deal, get it while she's not [sic]." Kevin responds, "I'll eat the sandwich if you shut the fuck up," and you reply to that, "I'll shut up if literally everybody in the company tells me to. Gangnam style."
Amir: Yeah, exactly right, it's a Korean pop song!
Jake: I know.
Amir: And guess what Kevin got in response? A heapin' helpful [sic] of radio silence.
Jake: 211 emails in 30 seconds. Which means a bunch of people told you to shut up twice.
Amir: They didn't have to tell me twice.
Jake: They actually did, because you respond, "Yeehaw partners, didn't realize y'all hated me so much! Owie zowie. But not everyone told me to shut up twice, therefore the email thread, unlike Murph's grandmother, lives."
Amir: Low blow? Hell no!
Jake: Hell yes. I guess people stopped responding to thread and started talking to you in person, because your next email says, "I've had it up to here with people coming by my desk and being mean to me."
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: "I don't know why you guys have this mob mentality, but you sheep need to learn how to think individually."
Amir: Baa baa! And guess what happened next? My neck was stapled!
Jake: Yep, saw that. Your next email: "Who's the coward bitch that stapled my neck? I blinked for a second, I missed you missed you, now I gotta kissed you. Make yourself known." Rosie responds, "It was me." And I guess you went to retaliate in some way, because your next email is, "Who's the prick that threw that brick at my head when I went to hit Rosie? Be a man and fess up to the crime so that I can do the time." Owen's response: "It was me." And you reply, nine minutes later, "Who's the loser that tripped me when I went to staple Owen's neck? I tripped and almost hit my head pretty hard; that would have been a lawsuit for sure."
Amir: Worst. Day. Ever.
(Amir starts eating the sandwich)
Jake: Yes, I imagine it was, because you send out another email: "I was just hit with another fucking brick. Are you shitting me with these? That makes three bricks on the gay [sic]. I don't know where you guys even got these things, or the audacity to hurl them at me at such close range." Are you not full anymore?
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: Why are you still typing these emails?
Amir: I wanted to defuse the situation!
Jake: You think this is defusing the situation: "Y'all are gonna have to bind and gag me if you want peace and quiet around here. And good luck, cause I'm not going quietly." Your last email, sent 30 seconds before I got here, is obviously typed with your face, it's just "mmmf mmmmmf", and then somehow in perfect English, "Gangnam style."
Amir: That's my email signature.
Josh: Why did you ungag him?!
Jake: Come on dude, hasn't he suffered enough?
(Someone staples Amir's neck)
Amir: Oh! He got me again! The prick hit me again! Did you see that?! With the stapler?
(A brick flies past Jake's face)
Jake: Oh, okay, they're throwing bricks.
Amir: Get out of here, save yourself, I can take it!
(A brick hits Amir near the mouth)
Amir: Oo, hit me square!

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