Script for Shaving
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Opening SequenceEdit

Jake: Hey you're watching Ja—can you stop taking pictures of my jeans?
Amir: Whoa, pervert alert.


Jake: Okay. First thing's first, take some shaving cream, put it in your hand.
Amir: Well, hey, check it out. Jake—and a mirror.
(Jake laughs a little)
Jake: That's good. Okay, so—
Amir: That was a freaking courtesy laugh! And I appreciate it.
(Amir makes to tickle Jake)
Jake: (Whispering) Alright. Easy, easy.

Amir: Hey, you think this shaving cream stuff works on cats?
(Jake does not answer)
Amir: Yes or no, bitch? I'm talking to you.
Jake: I don't want you to shave a cat.
Amir: That's not what I asked you.

Jake: Hey, one last thing. Would you at least consider shaving your nipples?
Amir: No.

(Amir only has shaving cream on his chin)

Jake: You don't just wanna shave your soul patch, right?
Amir: I don't know, haven't decided yet. You decided—to be a queen douche about it.
Jake: Hey, look, I'm being nice, okay?
Amir: I know. (Repeats over and over on top of what Jake says next)
Jake: I'm teaching you to shave right now. And you're 28 years old, so you should—I mean, your dad should've taught you—
Amir: I know, already! I said I know! Jesus, you don't have to be a queen douche about it.

(Amir is displaying his grotesque nipple hair)

Jake: Just cause the hair is so—
Amir: Brown, I know, right?
Jake: No, long is what I was gonna to say.
Amir: Yeah, that too.
Jake: That only.

Amir: Hm. This is easy. Would it be harder or easier if I had legit cat fur on my face?
Jake: I really don't want you to shave a cat, okay?
Amir: Don't tell me what to do, okay?
Jake: It'd be harder with cat fur.
Amir: I'll just get a sharper razor then.

(Amir is rippling his stomach)
Amir: Look at that.
Jake: Don't be proud of your body, okay?

Amir: Do they make circular razors?
Jake: No.
Amir: One that would, like, easily mold to the contour of a feline anus?
Jake: I already said no, man, you don't have to specify.
Amir: I'm gonna shave a cat.
Jake: I know.

Jake: Hey, I have a question. How do you get this nipple hair so soft?
(Jake yanks off Amir's nipple hair on "soft")
Amir:: (Screaming) Aa-aah!

Jake: Okay, just like that. Slowly. Carefully.
Amir: Ooh. Nicked myself a little bit.

(Some blood is on Amir's towel)

Jake: Okay, slowly. Carefully. Watch me do it.
Amir: Oh, okay. Two for two!

(More blood on Amir's towel)

Jake: Okay, just do me a favor. Keep your razor away from your face. Watch how slow I move. Just like this—
Amir: I was going that slowly.
Jake: Just like this—you put pressure on that.

(Jake has shaving cream on his face in the shape of a goatee, and a lot of blood has accumulated on Amir's towel and the mirror)
Jake: Okay, tell me this goat isn't chief, and I'll shave it off right now.
Amir: It's not chief.
Jake: Oh, wow, you don't know jack! Shaving it.

Amir: You know, if you think this is funny—
Jake: I don't.
Amir: —imagine it being cat blood. Imagine wearing a bib with a towel... I fainted for a split.

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